Bath!

They bathed me. Okay, deep breath, Simon. Breathe. Inhale, exhale, inhale....

They bathed me. They made me wet. The bath itself? Fine, sure, whatever. It amused everyone well enough. But then I was wet. They bathed me. That was NOT awesome. What did they think they were doing? What happened to cats having dignity? (What dignity? you say. MY dignity! I had scads of it before this!)

I don't have any dignity anymore, do I? I think I'm in shock. I've been stripped of my dignity. I didn't deserve this! I only got into some gross X-ray stuff, but honest, I didn't deserve it.

Well... I am much smaller without my hair. Maybe this means that the Diet can cease?

With a great amount of sorrow and grief,
Simon

Holiday Drive to Benefit Cortland Community SPCA!!!

I've been recruited to tell you all about the awesome holiday drive Crossroads is doing to benefit the SPCA. This is because everyone knows by now that I am INTERNET FAMOUS and if you have the incredible me tell people about something, they're going to listen up and listen sharp. Here's the link to the main article on the website, so that you can see more about it.

So I'll leave you with a picture of somecat you looks suspiciously like me, suffering indignity to try to bribe you to take part! (I was coerced. It wasn't me. It was a stunt double. It was Jake. It was Cookie-- we bleached her! It wasn't me!)

Yours,
Simon

Where I Wish I Could Be....

Dear World,

This is your friendly neighborhood Bad Cat. I would like to take a moment out of your day to point your attention to the landscape in this picture I have here:

Yes, you will note that something is lacking in this picture, something that I really wish was lacking in the real world. SNOW! Why is there snow in the real world?! I WANT TO LIVE IN THE PICTURE. There's nothing interesting to look at but white. I'm white; I don't need more of it around, even if it does mirror the awesome color of me. I mean, seriously, I know how awesome I am, but I don't need nature to try to mimic me. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but it's not, it's really not, because I am an Individual Cat, Unique, Awesome. I don't need nature trying to imitate me, cuz it can't even come close.

No badness. Cold. Too much white. Where's my personal heater? What badness do I have to do for it? Cats should be able to hibernate.

No love,

Simon

That's How the Cookie Crumbles

Greetings.

This is Cookie, guest blogging for Simon. Simon asked me to blog for him today-- I have to assume because I'm cuter than he is and will attract more traffic to the blog-- so here I am, me, the wiliest usurper ever! Jake will probably be doing a guest post at some point in the future too, but his post obviously won't be as incredible as mine.

Anyway, we finally managed to get them to take down the curtains upstairs. After tearing them down so many times, it's only right that they would finally get the idea that we didn't want them there. I think that it really lifts the mood in the room, which is this entertainment department's main goal, after all. (Well, honestly, the main goal is getting the 'nip, but entertainment and lifting the mood are a close second. Maybe. Okay, not really, but Simon likes to meow about it like it is. Honestly, that's all he ever does. Talk talk talk. :P)

Other than that, not much is new in cool!cat-land. We've been sticking to the tried and true classics lately-- being adorable by sleeping in the same bed, batting at things despite how it wounds our dignity, &c. Simon's been teaching me, though, so maybe someday soon we'll do something big and get something cool for it. Simon always manages to make his tricks result in getting us something cool, like the fleece for the couch upstairs, or more 'nip. You know, people, Christmas is coming up and I'd really like more toys.... Or treats, or 'nip, for that matter.

Because we are the original cool cats. We are the best at what we do. And that's just how the cookie crumbles.

Hugs and kisses,
Cookie

The latest news in SimonLand!

The current belief is that cuteness will prevail as often as badness in the entertainment department, so Cookie and I have been trying to concentrate our efforts in that area for now (so the badness will surprise them later!).

Some of our efforts required coercing Jake to helping us (also known as Simon, the buggy, not-awesome version 1.0, or the Other!Simon). It was an epic time of epic cuteness, and we did well, staging it just so that people would see us but not think that it was actually staged for their benefit. I go to so much work for these people, and do they ever compliment me or give me the 'nip? Well, sometimes, but generally, NO!

Then, Cookie did her part by displaying the tried and true "Cat in Box" pose. The "awws" were astounding; good response to the newcomer! I may be able to take a vacation this year if she keeps doing my job for me. Having help is almost as awesome as being the one and only King of Badness.

That's all for now, folks. Stay tuned for more tails of Epicness and Awesome.

Yours forever,
Simon

Lolcats!

I've made a Lolcat! VOTE FOR ME! I am awesome and the entire world should recognize it. Just rate the photo five hamburgers and all will be well. Otherwise, all may not be well, and I may need to be Bad.

Much love,
Simon

All your base belong to Simon!

Greetings, Earthlings!

Simon here, coming to you from beyond the stars, above the heavens, because let's be honest, I am a god. The cat god of awesome. This shouldn't surprise you.

Ever since Dr. Wood went on vacation, my job has been so easy. It turns out that having a second cat in the entertainment department is really great, because she makes all the trouble! Takes down the curtains, shreds the couch upstairs a little... basically, all I've had to do is laze about and be praised for the giant steps forward my department has been making. Well, if anyone appreciated me here, that would be happening, anyway! They owe me some of the 'nip! Hopefully, Cookie doesn't grow out of the job.... She is just a kitten. Well, here's hoping.

We did get one awesome thing because of all of our trouble. Dr. Wood bought us a fleece to go on the couch upstairs, since we were having a whole lot of fun amusing everyone by letting them see what we did with it next. Now, we have a fleece to sit on! Badness is always rewarded in some way. It's a good business.

Your beloved overlord,

Simon

Who Stole the Cookie?

It seems like our short-term addition has become long-term. Trust me, I am not a pleased cat. She's too cute-- I just know that she's planning on stealing my job in the entertainment department! What exactly is she planning on? Mine is a one-cat department, not a two-cat department!

They're calling her "Cookie." That's such a stupid name. I can't believe what they're doing to me! I was doing my job perfectly, just going along, being my bad self, and then they get another cat! Don't they think I'm doing my job? Don't they think that I'm awesome. :(

...I wonder if I can let her outside when they're not looking.

Resentfully yours,

Simon

The Tale of Two Simons

Hi all! I am here to tell you the mysterious and strange Tale of Two Simons.

First, there was one Simon. This Simon's name is Jake. He sits on the left of the picture. He is well-liked by all, but is nowhere near as awesome as the second Simon. The second Simon sits on the right. He is handsome and has personality, and is your fine narrator. All was well in the land of two Simons until people began to realize that if they didn't feed the second, more awesome Simon less, he would look as round as the first, less awesome Simon.

And then began The Diet. This Diet was not a form of parliament, but something infinitely more evil. It turns out that The Diet involves... giving Simons less food.

EGADS! HORRORS! NOOOOO!

So on one paw, I weigh less now and they'll actually stop reducing my food. On the other paw, they've been feeding me less food. On the third paw, they leave around sandwiches that I can eat, so it's not that bad. On the fourth paw, I know how to disconnect all of their phones in retribution.

The good is balanced by the bad.

This is Simon, your beloved blog-writer,
signing off.

Fun, fun, fun

Just a quick update to let you all know what I'm up to! I've been working extra hard lately to bring entertainment to this joint, so I really don't have all that much time! No insult to my own dignity is unplanned-- I do it all for you people, so that you may enjoy my life! Heck, I even let a kitten beat me up so that people would be having fun. But hey, let's not talk about that. That was, uh, planned. It was planned.

My biggest project lately was the couch upstairs. I shredded it into pretty abstract paintings. Sort of like Picasso. I'm the Picasso of the cat world. Or maybe the Pollock. In reward for my diligence, I was given a scratching post. SCORE! I also got awesome toys as payment too! SCORE, DITTO!

Anyway, TTYL!

Simon

Back, From Beyond Cyberspace

I come to you from beyond cyberspace to bring you more of me! It's been so hard to get away from these people-- you can't possibly believe how difficult it is to bring good entertainment! Constantly, 24/7, it's, "Let me pet you, Simon!" and "Here's the laser pointer, Simon!" and "Have some ramen, Simon!" Admittedly, none of these things are exactly bad, but when they make it into such work....

This is my latest (but by no means) greatest achievement: the Ramen Disaster of 2010. We shall call it, "The Noodle Incident." Wait, that's been taken already... I am so much better than Hobbes....

Ahem, anyway, that was a fun weekend. See what I mean? Ramen is fun when they're not making you entertain them with it-- this was over the weekend. I had ramen all over the floor, but the pictures just didn't show enough detail, so I'll leave it up to your imagination. Trella, my Troll Doll, and I had loads of fun doing it. Ramen is tasty, especially uncooked.

More from me next week, when I will dazzle you with--

No, not my cuteness! How did that get there?! Do NOT compare this with my last post. I swore never to do that without just deserts!

Gah.

Until next time,
Simon

Introducing... ME!

This is not me. I am not quite so undignified as this. No creature worth the time taken to photograph him would roll over and pose like this. Not without a pretty good award offered. Like some of the 'nip. Mmm... 'nip....

This is DEFINITELY not me. If you think this is me, I fear for your sanity. This is a dog. I am not a dog. I am superior to a dog. I am about fifty thousand times better than a dog. Fifty million times better than a dog. Fifty trillion times better than a dog. Because I am a cat.

This is me. I'm Simon. As you can probably tell, I'm a little long-suffering, here. I have a lot to suffer for. I live in a veterinary clinic-- where all the cats hate to go, I live. More than live, I thrive. I run the place! Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but I am pretty awesome. Just look at me. I am a handsome fella. But given the trials and tribulations that I face while running this place's entertainment division (consisting of, well, me), I've gotta have an outlet. That's you people. Don't you feel privileged? So this blog is going to be devoted all to me and my life and the things that I do, because I'm just that awesome and you've really gotta hear all about me! You'll hear it, you'll see it, you'll know it-- straight from the cat's mouth, you'll know What's Happening in entertainment at Crossroads Veterinary Clinic! I just hope that you can handle the truth.

Because this is gonna be epic. This is gonna be big. This is gonna be me, 24/7. Doin' stuff.

Until next time,
Simon