An Ode to Bad

An Ode to Bad

by

Jake,

Court Archivist,

otherwise known as, much to his frustration,

The Other Simon

Simon was a good cat

Well, no, he was very bad

He loved to play his humans

They were his favorite game

The only beings able to amuse him--

Most other cats were very lame

(Of course, in comparison to dogs,

and rabbits, ferrets, humans.

Cats were the best of all,

even beating out animals with rumens.)

Simon invented names.

He set himself challenges in all his games.

He made up his enemies and denounced their ways.

He made up rebellions and made the rebels pay.

And in the beginning, though he merely headed the Department of Bad,

now he is the King, and we are not sad.

(Help us!)

Not Enough Badness Lately

Oh, woe is me! I have asthma! I am an asthmatic cat!

Okay, no. The asthma inhaler is just really fun to steal. It's strange how much humor arises from thievery. Is it some sort of slapstick thing? Why is it that badness is so amusing to humans? Sometimes I ponder how I arose to my high state as King of Bad. I am a thoughtful cat.

Because it is strange, you know. How many humans think that badness is funny. I mean, I think badness is funny, but I'm bad, so there you go.

All has been well in my court lately, thus leaving me time to ponder the state of my kingdom's subjects. I have considered letting Cookie out the dungeon for her rebel insurrection, the Other Simon has been set to composing odes to my reign, and the Court Jester is, sadly, not yet eaten.

I need to form a new plan of badness. Something big. Something epic. But what? What should I do that would make everything else seem tame in comparison? I, the King of Bad, can't be allowed to get bored. That would just be so weird.

Thoughtfully,
Simon

Jester's Day

Hey guys! Simon here!

So, it's April 1st, folks! What will be my trick today, you ask? Well, to be honest. I have none. I'm just going to hop on through the practice, get my exercise, and maybe munch on a few carrots or something. Because that's what the King of Bad does-- he is a healthy vegan rabbit of awesome.

What? Cats, you say? You thought I was a cat? But I hear they eat my kind! Perish the thought! Besides, bunnies are too awesome for cats to even consider hunting... maybe pouncing on just a little... chasing around the room....

Okay, yeah, I'm not a rabbit. Jeez, like I'm that lettuce-brained! April Fools! Couldn't keep that up because really? I kind of want to eat my Court Jester here. But at least I tried. I mean, a cat like me lowering himself enough to pretend to be a rabbit, just to amuse you. You're welcome, folks. You're welcome.

Hoppily yours,
Simon