Post-Script

Simon? Simon, it's dark in here. SIMON! Stop making me stay behind the safe, or in the basement, or any of your other dungeons! I won't try to take over your kingdom again, I promise!

This is NOT how I imagined the cookie crumbling!

All Hallow's Eve!

Avast, ye blog readers! Argh! The King of Bad is now a Pirate King! Normally, I would be a little bit hesitant to allow humans to put pirate costumes on me (not that it was precisely fun, crazy humans), but at least they chose something that suited me to a T. Something so incredible, so perfect, so awesome as this. Because let's face it, I'm a pirate cat.

So, let's be honest. Humans are insane. They put costumes on cats, don't feed us enough (ever), yell at us for silly things like ripping up the toilet paper (it's always there, beckoning!), and get confused when we run out the door when all we want to do is escape their crazy. But Halloween is probably the best human thing ever. Cats get to dress up as pirates and humans have the opportunity to dress up as the best being in existence. I am, naturally, speaking of cats.

It's a popular costume, even! Humans have a long-repressed desire to be cats instead, and on Halloween, it's able to come out. I declared it so, and in Crossroads, even managed to convince one of the vet techs to put on cat ears. She obviously realized the genius that is cat.

Okay, okay. Enough ego stroking. What's been going on in the Kingdom of Bad, you ask me, desperate yearning in your eyes!

Stuff! I answer. Secret stuff! Awesome stuff of epic proportions! The plans are being set in motion. It's coming.

From beneath you, it devours!

No, wait. I stole that quotation from someone....

Meh. Mine now!

Yours truly,
Simon, Pirate King of Bad