Post-Script

Simon? Simon, it's dark in here. SIMON! Stop making me stay behind the safe, or in the basement, or any of your other dungeons! I won't try to take over your kingdom again, I promise!

This is NOT how I imagined the cookie crumbling!

Simon's Rebuttal, Part Three

The latest in Simon's attempts to regain his position as head of the entertainment division-- and perhaps even be promoted to King of Bad!-- has been been "helping."

To understand what a smart idea this is for him, you have to keep in mind that "helping" is a time-honored cat tradition. Countless of our forefathers (known as "foretoms" in certain dialects of meow) have studied this art and honed it to such an extent that the ability to "help" can make or break a cat's attempt to do bad. Simon softens the irritable edges of his "helping" by providing an adorable view and being innocently mischievous about what he does. This keeps the humans from being disturbed overly much, but lightens up their moods and keeps them entertained.

Meanwhile, Cookie... slept. And slept. And slept some more. Has she considered yet that cuteness will only get her so far? I've tried to advise her, but she won't take my generous words in the spirit of which they're given-- she only says I'm trying to help Simon. Admittedly, us Ceiling Cats are better than her cranky calico ways, but I still do my best to help whomsoever asks!

I wonder what will happen in this struggle next?

Moreover, if Simon is made King of Bad, will I be the Chronicler of Badness? A truly historically important position, befitting my age and majesty of stature.

Indeed. If these youngsters will just sort out their differences and let the clinic's cat struggle stabilize, all will be well and I can take on an extremely rewarding position!

Cookie! Simon! Get right on that.

Leaving you with one last war photo of Simon,
eagerly yours,
Jake

Simon's Rebuttal, Part One

My dear audience, this is Jake, also known as the Second Simon by those who don't realize that I was here first. I only have three words for you to start: youngsters these days! They have no staying power. Cookie has been lounging about, doing nothing, ever since she won her position as head of the entertainment division! It seems like all she even wanted was to just say that she got one over on Simon, and since then, she's been good-for-nothing.

Cookie has officially turned the blog over to me, Jake, until Simon lands on his feet, as all cats do, and takes back over again. Not that she put it that way, of course. She just waved a paw and said, "It's all cool, Second Simon. Just go away."

I've said it once and I'll say it again-- youngsters! It's a sad state of affairs when a cat can't even keep hold of what was hard won, and we all know that Simon is Badder than Cookie could ever hope to be.

The first of Simon's take-back attempts was a mixture of adorability and annoyingness. (Yes, both of those are indeed words.) By laying on the blood machine, he obstructed work and provided a cuddly mass of devious feline intelligence to distract from any work that could be accomplished without the blood machine. It was a brilliant opening ploy. In reply... Cookie didn't notice. Her passive tactics of cuteness might have stolen her the position of head of the entertainment division in the first place, but they won't let her keep it. It's Simon's ingenuity that will win the day.

No, there is no white-cats-only prejudice going on here! Silence!

Until next week,
your affable author,
Jake

Corporate Takeover

Cookie here, bringing you the breaking news in cat mischief. Simon always tries to steal the spotlight, when really it's me who's been doing all the work around here. Simon's mellowed, I swear, what with his crush on his favorite human and his need to impress her. Ugh.

Lately, it's as if he can only look with awe at how great I am at my job, which is pretty much the same as HIS job, which he's been failing at. He just hasn't been bad enough.

I, meanwhile, have been sowing a low-level of discord. By being small and adorable, I can get away with pretty much anything. But by refusing to be picked up and carted around, despite how adorable I am, it frustrates people's need to cuddle the cuteness.

I have totally taken up the throne of the Bad Cat. Simon could only wish to be as terrifically bad as me. This means that I get the best seats in the house, the adoration, the praise, the bowing. Okay, there's no bowing. Why the heck isn't there any bowing, people? Get on that.

It's not about specialized acts of badness anymore, those one-time events that create huge amounts of annoyance and amusement. It's about that low-level badness that is day-to-day, ever-present, ever-watchful.... And that? I am the queen of. No one else in this practice is as cool as me at everything. It is official: I have taken over Simon's position as head of the entertainment division! And he better not try to get back his job, because this is just how the cookie's crumbled.

Sneakily yours,
Cookie

New Pastimes

Cookie and I have a new pastime. It's called, Trick the Humans. It's really a lot of fun-- everyone should play it, because it's awesome!

Step one: Look down the drain mysteriously. (Definition of "mysteriously": in a cat-like manner.)

Step two: Do this often.

Rinse, repeat, and try not to get too wet. We've decided that there are fish living in the drains. Cookie, who actually believes this rather than just pretending, like me, meows that when she finds one, she'll make it a pet and call it Walter. I have tried not to snicker TOO much. It's not dignified.

If there were fish, I wonder what their lives would be like. They'd have to only swim vertically rather than horizontally, shooting through the pipes. Though there are probably horizontal pipes. I think I don't quite understand the concept of pipes. Hmm....

Jake has decided that we're both insane. Insanity is fun, though! Cats are creatures of the good kind of insanity. It's why we balance on skinny poles and things very far up in the air. It amuses the humans, and more importantly, it amuses us. When it suits us, anyway. :P


TTYL, people!

Your faithful blog writer,
signing off,
Simon

Oh, the Holiday Season

This is Cookie again, reporting because Simon is too ASHAMED to come to the computer right now, thanx bai.

Big roll of eyes, here. He's being such a drama cat. Honestly, if a cat can't stand a little bit of indignity, he doesn't deserve to be a cat. True dignity is when you can be a little ridiculous and realize that it doesn't offend your dignity. (This isn't to say that dogs are dignified. They aren't. You know it, and so do I.) So I think I should help him along a little bit-- here, I'll give you a photo of Simon looking great in his Christmas outfit. He would never let you see it himself, given the choice, but I think this will help him grow as a cat, don't you?

I think that it's really the holiday season that has pushed him over the edge. First, all of the outfits and the pictures. I mean, we got an awesome cat tower, but at what price? In my opinion, a perfectly agreeable price, but then again, I guess I'm not the one being photographed. And after that, they decided to poke him with needles today! Me, I say, "trials and tribulations of living in a veterinary clinic, right?" and go on with my life, provided that they don't do it to me. But Simon... I think it was the straw that broke the cat's back. And his little human girlfriend had to see his indignity too! (Simon is in luuuuurv with her. Jordan is nice, but blech! Humans!)

But, whatever. Let's let bygones be bygones and go on with our nine lives. I guess he does have a point. These people do torture us a lot. But hey, we are here for them to torture, I guess. It's all part of being a member of the entertainment division!

Me and Jake, we know better than to try to be the Baddest Cat Ever, but Simon doesn't really. He's so stupid, honestly. I am so superior to him that you can't even believe. I know better than to try to do what he does, but still... you can't help but admire him. Just a little. And let me remind you that since this is the interwebz, this might not be Cookie, so you can't hold me to those words! Don't tell Simon I said that!

Anyway, glad to give you a long post after our little blog-vacation! Here's hoping that you had a good holiday.

Staying awesome,
Cookie

That's How the Cookie Crumbles

Greetings.

This is Cookie, guest blogging for Simon. Simon asked me to blog for him today-- I have to assume because I'm cuter than he is and will attract more traffic to the blog-- so here I am, me, the wiliest usurper ever! Jake will probably be doing a guest post at some point in the future too, but his post obviously won't be as incredible as mine.

Anyway, we finally managed to get them to take down the curtains upstairs. After tearing them down so many times, it's only right that they would finally get the idea that we didn't want them there. I think that it really lifts the mood in the room, which is this entertainment department's main goal, after all. (Well, honestly, the main goal is getting the 'nip, but entertainment and lifting the mood are a close second. Maybe. Okay, not really, but Simon likes to meow about it like it is. Honestly, that's all he ever does. Talk talk talk. :P)

Other than that, not much is new in cool!cat-land. We've been sticking to the tried and true classics lately-- being adorable by sleeping in the same bed, batting at things despite how it wounds our dignity, &c. Simon's been teaching me, though, so maybe someday soon we'll do something big and get something cool for it. Simon always manages to make his tricks result in getting us something cool, like the fleece for the couch upstairs, or more 'nip. You know, people, Christmas is coming up and I'd really like more toys.... Or treats, or 'nip, for that matter.

Because we are the original cool cats. We are the best at what we do. And that's just how the cookie crumbles.

Hugs and kisses,
Cookie

The latest news in SimonLand!

The current belief is that cuteness will prevail as often as badness in the entertainment department, so Cookie and I have been trying to concentrate our efforts in that area for now (so the badness will surprise them later!).

Some of our efforts required coercing Jake to helping us (also known as Simon, the buggy, not-awesome version 1.0, or the Other!Simon). It was an epic time of epic cuteness, and we did well, staging it just so that people would see us but not think that it was actually staged for their benefit. I go to so much work for these people, and do they ever compliment me or give me the 'nip? Well, sometimes, but generally, NO!

Then, Cookie did her part by displaying the tried and true "Cat in Box" pose. The "awws" were astounding; good response to the newcomer! I may be able to take a vacation this year if she keeps doing my job for me. Having help is almost as awesome as being the one and only King of Badness.

That's all for now, folks. Stay tuned for more tails of Epicness and Awesome.

Yours forever,
Simon

All your base belong to Simon!

Greetings, Earthlings!

Simon here, coming to you from beyond the stars, above the heavens, because let's be honest, I am a god. The cat god of awesome. This shouldn't surprise you.

Ever since Dr. Wood went on vacation, my job has been so easy. It turns out that having a second cat in the entertainment department is really great, because she makes all the trouble! Takes down the curtains, shreds the couch upstairs a little... basically, all I've had to do is laze about and be praised for the giant steps forward my department has been making. Well, if anyone appreciated me here, that would be happening, anyway! They owe me some of the 'nip! Hopefully, Cookie doesn't grow out of the job.... She is just a kitten. Well, here's hoping.

We did get one awesome thing because of all of our trouble. Dr. Wood bought us a fleece to go on the couch upstairs, since we were having a whole lot of fun amusing everyone by letting them see what we did with it next. Now, we have a fleece to sit on! Badness is always rewarded in some way. It's a good business.

Your beloved overlord,

Simon

Who Stole the Cookie?

It seems like our short-term addition has become long-term. Trust me, I am not a pleased cat. She's too cute-- I just know that she's planning on stealing my job in the entertainment department! What exactly is she planning on? Mine is a one-cat department, not a two-cat department!

They're calling her "Cookie." That's such a stupid name. I can't believe what they're doing to me! I was doing my job perfectly, just going along, being my bad self, and then they get another cat! Don't they think I'm doing my job? Don't they think that I'm awesome. :(

...I wonder if I can let her outside when they're not looking.

Resentfully yours,

Simon