Felix + Yours Truly = DISASTER

Why is this happening to me?!?! It's so horrible! They keep getting more, other cats! Not as good cats! This is Felix. He sees fit to cuddle me. What kind of self-respecting cat cuddles? ANSWER: NONE. No self-respecting cat. Felix is HORRIBLE. I don't understand cats who aren't properly aloof, as cats should be. It's just so wrong!

Angrily yours,
Simon

[Myth] The Great Mother Cat

Long ago, before humans invented time, the universe was empty of all but a race of great mother cats. One in particular is relevant to our history here on Earth. Although she was a mother cat, she had no children and had never had any, which meant that though she was incredibly well-rested, she was also quite bored. In her travels, she found herself looking down on Earth with a frown.

"This world is my bowl of goldfish," she said, "but where are all the goldfish?"

She then decided that she would find the "goldfish" to put on the world to amuse herself with or create what she had to. She was a mother, after all. Creation was what she was good at. Then she took a nap.

Due to her great need for frequent naps, as well as her short attention span, it took the great mother cat forty-nine days and nights to populate the world with her minions. At least, this is the current estimate; the rudimentary humans she populated the world with hadn't gotten much further in their methods of counting than grunting and pointing.

After she was done, the great mother cat yawned and chose a part of the world to settle down in, curling up to sleep. We have not heard from her again. Most scholars believe that she settled down in Egypt and that the Great Sphinx was built around her. A few other scholars believe that she left this world to populate more of the universe, as eventually this "bowl of goldfish" grew too boring for her.

Then there are those who believe she is still among us in this world, hiding among the other cats and laughing at us with a gleam in her eyes.

Almost everycat is certain that wherever she is, when she sleeps, she dreams of us.

Moral: Catnaps are important, but so is waking up to play afterward.

So Says Simon is TIRED

It's been so warm out, the kind of days where cats just want to laze about and not do anything except exude cute. I don't want to do anything today, but here I am, blogging for you, because I am awesome. I'm thinking about even letting Cookie come back to the keyboard, even after her uprising where she tried to take my position away from me. As if she could ever be the head of bad in THIS veterinary clinic. That job is reserved solely for me, not for any skittish little upstart!

So you may have been able to tell, but I am letting The Other Simon do more. He is now chronicling the myths of cat-kind, to commemorate my reign, as well as writing odes to my awesomeness. I may stop that soon. His poetry is awful; myths are waaay better.

I may just lay here and let others do my work for me. It's too warm and nice out. I'll just relax and sit here....



zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..................

Rules For the Cat

As if the cat needs rules. Pah.

[Myth] Afa and the Bird

Once upon a time, cats ruled the world. This was in the time of Egypt, of Assyria, of Phoenicia. It was a time of sand and heat. These were the favored conditions for cats, so they thrived and grew as a species. They were worshiped as gods; Bast, Sekhmet-- only two of the many goddesses associated with cats.

Over the sands of Egypt rose a dynasty of cats. After years of battles with the jackals of the desert, the mighty cats rose as rulers of the land. The first Cat King was actually a Queen, and her name was Afa. As was the custom in the land, Afa was disguised as a king rather than a queen, and lived her life pretending to be a male cat.

One day, Afa was strolling down the banks of the Nile and she came upon a bird. This was a water bird, leggy and long-necked, with a great beak and narrow eyes. It was a savage creature to any unwary fish, but it had been brought low. On the side of that great river, it lay. Afa sat beside it and pondered. She would have loved to have been the one to catch the water bird, but eating it while it lay there seemed like too little of a challenge to her.

"What are you waiting for?" asked water bird. "Do you not plan to eat me?"

"I do," Afa proclaimed, rising to all four feet, "but I will not eat you if you are less than your best."

So for forty-nine days and nights, Afa nursed the water bird back to health in the comfort of her palace. She gave it broth made of fish, bathed its wounds in the softest of silks, and gently kissed its head every night before bed. When the day dawned that the bird could once more take flight, she jumped on its back and ate it all up.

Moral: Cats are capricious, but they never lie.

Bad: The Question of Why

Bad: The Question of Why

by

Jake,

Court Archivist,

otherwise known as, much to his frustration,

The Other Simon

The nature of bad is such that

 a cat can commit it without ever knowing, or necessarily realize what they've done,

as badness is in the nature of the cat.

As nature is natural, and we understand natural to be good,

can badness be bad?

Is badness evil? Is goodness, for a cat, bad?

The paradox of our existence breaks my brain.

Simon is exalted.

Simon Talks About Maru!

I have finally found a cat NEARLY as awesome as me.

This is Maru. Maru likes boxes. Maru understands the need that I have for a palace of boxes. (One day, I will make the humans create a box palace for me. This will be a wonderful day.)

Maru understands many things, like catly dignity and decided nonchalance. He understands our need to get into things. HE IS THE JAPANESE SCOTTISH FOLD VERSION OF ME. He even has his own Wikipedia page, which I hope one day to have. His celebrity is an inspiration to kingly cats everywhere.

With love and awe,
yours truly,
Simon

Shrink Ray Time!

I have come up with the perfect plan of bad!

We all know that cats are magic, right? Right. It's not like you've been living in a box all your life.

...

Note to self-- when given option, live in box all your life. How great would that be?

My bad plan is THIS-- I will shrink Dr. Miller and a DOG using special cat magic and make Dr. Miller work for all eternity as my little puppet. Dance, my puppets, dance! Every so often, I will probably remember to shrink some food for him. I assume. I'll assign Jake to it, anyway. He'll remember. Dr. Miller will be tortured for all eternity, since dogs are HORRIBLE, and it will give me an opportunity for chaos in his unexpected absence.

Meanwhile, everyone all through the practice will be scurrying about-- "Where is Dr. Miller?" they will wonder as their hearts are filled with apprehension and sorrow. "Where is he? We must have him back!" No one would think of Simon, Bad Cat Extraordinaire! And I would be free to set myself up as a DOCTOR KING. No more neuterings! Exam fees would go through the roof so that I could afford my elaborate lifestyle of gigantic pillows and boxes of all shapes and sizes. I would build a box palace and live in it forevermore, and no one would be able to roust me until a plucky young cat, probably called Knight or some such stupid thing, came to drive me from my throne as Evil Doctor King of Bad.

On second thought, I better not risk it.

Love and kisses,
Simon

We are NOT amused!

Hmph. My Court Archivist's poem has weird rhythm. How dare he make me an ode where the rhythm is all weird? I am NOT AMUSED. He must, obviously, try again, because I am too awesome to have a poem that is not perfect.

In other news, I am very tired. I am a tired cat. I work very hard here, and people insist on writing bad poems about me! How dare they.

 I need to come up with a new plan of bad. Something that will impress everyone. Something ode-worthy. But what? What could I do that would be that downright awesome?

Hmm.... I must scheme away and figure something out!

Adoringly yours,
Simon

An Ode to Bad

An Ode to Bad

by

Jake,

Court Archivist,

otherwise known as, much to his frustration,

The Other Simon

Simon was a good cat

Well, no, he was very bad

He loved to play his humans

They were his favorite game

The only beings able to amuse him--

Most other cats were very lame

(Of course, in comparison to dogs,

and rabbits, ferrets, humans.

Cats were the best of all,

even beating out animals with rumens.)

Simon invented names.

He set himself challenges in all his games.

He made up his enemies and denounced their ways.

He made up rebellions and made the rebels pay.

And in the beginning, though he merely headed the Department of Bad,

now he is the King, and we are not sad.

(Help us!)

Not Enough Badness Lately

Oh, woe is me! I have asthma! I am an asthmatic cat!

Okay, no. The asthma inhaler is just really fun to steal. It's strange how much humor arises from thievery. Is it some sort of slapstick thing? Why is it that badness is so amusing to humans? Sometimes I ponder how I arose to my high state as King of Bad. I am a thoughtful cat.

Because it is strange, you know. How many humans think that badness is funny. I mean, I think badness is funny, but I'm bad, so there you go.

All has been well in my court lately, thus leaving me time to ponder the state of my kingdom's subjects. I have considered letting Cookie out the dungeon for her rebel insurrection, the Other Simon has been set to composing odes to my reign, and the Court Jester is, sadly, not yet eaten.

I need to form a new plan of badness. Something big. Something epic. But what? What should I do that would make everything else seem tame in comparison? I, the King of Bad, can't be allowed to get bored. That would just be so weird.

Thoughtfully,
Simon

Jester's Day

Hey guys! Simon here!

So, it's April 1st, folks! What will be my trick today, you ask? Well, to be honest. I have none. I'm just going to hop on through the practice, get my exercise, and maybe munch on a few carrots or something. Because that's what the King of Bad does-- he is a healthy vegan rabbit of awesome.

What? Cats, you say? You thought I was a cat? But I hear they eat my kind! Perish the thought! Besides, bunnies are too awesome for cats to even consider hunting... maybe pouncing on just a little... chasing around the room....

Okay, yeah, I'm not a rabbit. Jeez, like I'm that lettuce-brained! April Fools! Couldn't keep that up because really? I kind of want to eat my Court Jester here. But at least I tried. I mean, a cat like me lowering himself enough to pretend to be a rabbit, just to amuse you. You're welcome, folks. You're welcome.

Hoppily yours,
Simon

Thoughts on April Fools' Day! Expect the Unexpected

Decisions, decisions....

Tomorrow is April Fools' Day! It is my favorite day of the year. Unlike Halloween, where tricks are played, but you humans INSIST on dressing me in silly costumes, April Fools' Day is a day where tricks are played and no one can stop you. No one dresses you in costumes, no one can keep you from being bad in every way possible!

What badness will I think of next? What will I do tomorrow? More importantly, why is it that April Fools' Day is on a Sunday? Who will see the badness? If the badness isn't seen, is it really there?

That is what this blog is for, however. For everyone to see and admire the badness of me, Simon, King of Bad!

Tomorrow will be a day of adventure, of surprise, of glee and fun and WEIRD.

Schemingly yours,
with love and catnip,
Simon

A Guide in Ruling Your Kingdom, Cat Edition, Part One

The thing is, you need to understand that I'm cute. It makes it all worth it. It's not like we haven't seen ample evidence of my cuteness-- see exhibits A and B-- but sometimes I feel like people forget. I make a mess, even though it's purely for their own enjoyment and to liven up their lives, and then they stare at me and glare at me and say, "Oh Simon, shame!"

You'd think they would understand by now. Not only that I don't have any shame, but that I'm cute and can get away with anything, so why even go through the motions?

There are a few ways that cats rule their kingdoms.

Exhibit A.

One-- they rule by cuteness. Occasionally, I rule by cuteness. It  helps me get out of scrapes. Cookie always tried to rule by cuteness, in those brief days when she attempted to take my kingdom from me. However, cuteness in cats is often laziness disguised. Basically, we just want to eat, sleep, and be merry. Cats who rule by cute and cute alone often fall from their thrones by foul means, due to the wilier cats.

Cats also rule by wiles. Wiles is the use of cunning strategy and careful deployment of all tactics to gain favor with their humans and elevate their own positions within the kingdom. For example, say that I want food. (And I, of course, would never use this tactic, though I have heard of others who do.) While trying to appear as cute as possible, I will beat my sister-cat on the head with my paw so that the humans will understand that I mean business. "Look adorable, but cultivate long claws" is the name of this tactic. I try as often as possible to rule by wiles, but without that edge of ruthlessness. No one likes a ruthless cat, but everyone likes an awesome one.

Exhibit B.

In using wiles, the best thing to do is also use cuteness. Cuteness can rarely succeed alone, unless the humans are a particular type of soft touch. The key to being a good ruler is to pair your smarts with your looks and then make lots of money. Or get lots of 'nip. However that song goes.

...I should get a bard to write songs and poems to commemorate my reign...

Why do I now have a feeling that I've just provided enterprising upstarts with the keys to success?

A touch worried now,
yours,
Simon

How To Train Your Human

This is definitely a book I need to read. But to train the humans to hold the book open for me first... hmm....

Dr. Simon to the Rescue, Saving Ties Everywhere!

 
The honest truth (I swear to Santa Paws himself!) I wasn't trying to kill Dr. Salvatore. Mostly. Okay, but there was a tie involved. A tie. Ties dangle. One can't expect a cat not to attach himself to the nearest tie, right? Right?! That's just too much to ask, that I not want to claw it and bite it and strangle Dr. Salvatore, just a little.

He makes himself an easy target, wearing ties. Yeah, that's right! I blame him! And they find my behavior charming, anyway! They do!

It was an innocent mistake, the strangling. See, he bent down to pet me, and the tie was right there, and I was so close and it was just a little bit of strangling! Of course, then the fool tried to take it away from me! A scurrilous mistake! CHOMP! MY TIE, thank you very much!

Needless to say, I won the epic Battle of the Tie and gained a victory prize.

With all the composure and grace of a tie-wearing doctor-cat or lawyer-cat,
I am yours, in both badness and the rare good times.

Sincerely,
Simon

An Ode to Trimmed Nails

OH MY GAWD THEY CUT MY NAILS WHY.

It's. It's just such a travesty. I work hard for these people. I provide light, and amusement, and joy. I make them smile; I make them groan, and laugh, and sigh. I make these people's lives better.

And they do things like this. They cut my beautiful, sharp nails and make them disappear into the garbage. They take away my livelihood. Who, now will smack Cookie when she's getting arrogant? (Not me, that's who. And not only because my nails were cut-- she's also kind of scary sometimes.)

Why do they do this? Why? What did I do wrong? ;_;

With great trepidation,
and sorrow,
and pain,
and woe,
Simon