Not Enough Badness Lately

Oh, woe is me! I have asthma! I am an asthmatic cat!

Okay, no. The asthma inhaler is just really fun to steal. It's strange how much humor arises from thievery. Is it some sort of slapstick thing? Why is it that badness is so amusing to humans? Sometimes I ponder how I arose to my high state as King of Bad. I am a thoughtful cat.

Because it is strange, you know. How many humans think that badness is funny. I mean, I think badness is funny, but I'm bad, so there you go.

All has been well in my court lately, thus leaving me time to ponder the state of my kingdom's subjects. I have considered letting Cookie out the dungeon for her rebel insurrection, the Other Simon has been set to composing odes to my reign, and the Court Jester is, sadly, not yet eaten.

I need to form a new plan of badness. Something big. Something epic. But what? What should I do that would make everything else seem tame in comparison? I, the King of Bad, can't be allowed to get bored. That would just be so weird.

Thoughtfully,
Simon