X-Mas

Oh X-Mas. Could any holiday be better for an awesome cat of awesome like me?

The morning of that fateful day dawned and three cats raced anxiously to their stockings... only to realize that despite the fact that there were stockings, there was nothing in those stockings.

FOILED!

Well, to be fair, we got stuff ahead of time, but still, a cat can hope that his stocking is full of even more stuff, can't he? Where was Santa Paws and why did he not visit in the night? Was it... because I am a bad cat? SORROW! WOE!

Okay, though, I have to be honest: being the Bad Cat is worth being spurned by Santa Paws.

Besides, the humans make up for it in their adoration of me. As I've mentioned previously, my outstanding work these year caused me-- okay, all of us, but mainly me-- to get this great toy that has holes in it and THINGS in those holes, so we have to poke poke poke to get them out. It's great.

So, yeah, my holidays were pretty incredible, made so by my own hard work and ingenuity. No other cat in the world had a better X-mas.

And if they did, I demand satisfaction! Because mine SHOULD be the best.

Gleefully yours,
Simon

A Truth Universally Acknowledged

It is a truth universally acknowledged that cats have an honest and pure duty to bite, rip, and tear all stuffed animals. Being a Cat of Cats, a Kingly Cat, a Cat of Awesome Badness, I could no more deny my duty in this manner than I could fly. (Note to self-- see if you can fly.)

You must understand, the Pig was asking for it. It was all up in my business, trying to sock me on my gorgeous if-I-do-say-so-myself nose. I therefore had to bite its little piggy snout and squish it, just a little.

Such is my catly duty.

Of course, it is also the nature of the noble cat to forgive and cease biting once the scurrilous creature that offended ye awesome cat apologizes. Therefore, I was eventually able to forgive Piglet and get on with my life.

In the days before Christmas, the cats have managed to con one of the vet techs, Beth, into providing us with stockings. Having stockings, naturally, means that they have to be filled. I, however, through my sneaky cat ways, have managed to hear rumors that Dr. Wood got me a present that was too big for my stocking! I love loot. It's part of my Pirate King of Bad ways.

Sneakily, Piglet-lovingly, hilariously yours,
Simon

Discovery! Simon's Cat.

I have discovered that a fellow cat has been immortalized in my name. Okay, perhaps not in my name but honestly, we all know that every Simon in the world refers in some way to me, don't we? Let's not kid ourselves-- the name Simon can only be referential to my awesomeness, can it not?

Wholeheartedly, I give to you, Simon's Cat. The video below is, in particular, reflective of the season. I feel that Simon's Cat truly reflects the awesome powers of catdom, and our constant struggle to be well fed.



Reminding me, of course, that The Diet has failed spectacularly and you might not be able to discern me from The Other Simon, my dear court archivist, Jake. We appear to have an equal amount of, ah, majesty, shall we say?

A cat is always in need of more majesty.

Yours in rotundness,
Simon

Post-Script

Simon? Simon, it's dark in here. SIMON! Stop making me stay behind the safe, or in the basement, or any of your other dungeons! I won't try to take over your kingdom again, I promise!

This is NOT how I imagined the cookie crumbling!

All Hallow's Eve!

Avast, ye blog readers! Argh! The King of Bad is now a Pirate King! Normally, I would be a little bit hesitant to allow humans to put pirate costumes on me (not that it was precisely fun, crazy humans), but at least they chose something that suited me to a T. Something so incredible, so perfect, so awesome as this. Because let's face it, I'm a pirate cat.

So, let's be honest. Humans are insane. They put costumes on cats, don't feed us enough (ever), yell at us for silly things like ripping up the toilet paper (it's always there, beckoning!), and get confused when we run out the door when all we want to do is escape their crazy. But Halloween is probably the best human thing ever. Cats get to dress up as pirates and humans have the opportunity to dress up as the best being in existence. I am, naturally, speaking of cats.

It's a popular costume, even! Humans have a long-repressed desire to be cats instead, and on Halloween, it's able to come out. I declared it so, and in Crossroads, even managed to convince one of the vet techs to put on cat ears. She obviously realized the genius that is cat.

Okay, okay. Enough ego stroking. What's been going on in the Kingdom of Bad, you ask me, desperate yearning in your eyes!

Stuff! I answer. Secret stuff! Awesome stuff of epic proportions! The plans are being set in motion. It's coming.

From beneath you, it devours!

No, wait. I stole that quotation from someone....

Meh. Mine now!

Yours truly,
Simon, Pirate King of Bad

*plotplotplot*

There is a fact about cats which is little known. That is because we cats are above all of this nonsense about laying things on the table. We prefer laying under tables, and stairs, and chairs-- in all the hidden places of universe so that we can pounce out and destroy your sense of peace.

We cats are awesome.

So, back to the little known fact, because I digress. Or maybe this is relevant. Who says I have to say whether it is or not? But hey, I'm the King of Bad! Put up with it or IN THE STOCKS with you!

Cats are contortionists. We can fit into tiny spaces. It goes along with that whole "hidden places of the universe" thing. And also, that "cute on purpose" thing. What? You already knew about that we're cute on purpose, if you've ever met a cat at all. And if you haven't met a cat, where have you been your whole life? Heathen! Into the stocks!

Okay. I swear I'm done with my power trip.

Okay, no. I'm not. Don't you wonder about the radio silence for the past month? Don't you wonder what happened to Cookie, the Usurper? I've been putting plans into place. Doing Things. Important Things. Awesome Things.

Ah, but let's not discuss work at a time like this. Relax. I know what I'm doing.

This is Simon, contortionist cat, cat of cute, King of Bad,
saying farewell until next time.

VICTORY!

Hello dear blog readers!

It's Simon again-- no, no, stop crying. I know the joy is too much for you to handle, but please, try. You're embarrassing me. The last battle of the War of the Usurper has finally been won. (The Second Simon named it. Isn't he great?)

The Battle of the Curtain will go down in feline history as one of the great battles. Cookie thought that she was just doing a corporate takeover, but didn't realize that she was getting a war for the history books.

I can hardly believe I've won. It's taken so long, and this blog was so neglected during the Reign of the Usurper. Jake did his best, but the struggles were sometimes too much for him, and getting permission from the Usurper to begin with was difficult. But we've prevailed. Our travail is finished; we're entering the Golden Age of Bad, where the humans will be happy and the cats will be naughty.

Okay, let's face it: it's gonna be freaking awesome.

Cheers,
Simon

Simon's Rebuttal, Part Three

The latest in Simon's attempts to regain his position as head of the entertainment division-- and perhaps even be promoted to King of Bad!-- has been been "helping."

To understand what a smart idea this is for him, you have to keep in mind that "helping" is a time-honored cat tradition. Countless of our forefathers (known as "foretoms" in certain dialects of meow) have studied this art and honed it to such an extent that the ability to "help" can make or break a cat's attempt to do bad. Simon softens the irritable edges of his "helping" by providing an adorable view and being innocently mischievous about what he does. This keeps the humans from being disturbed overly much, but lightens up their moods and keeps them entertained.

Meanwhile, Cookie... slept. And slept. And slept some more. Has she considered yet that cuteness will only get her so far? I've tried to advise her, but she won't take my generous words in the spirit of which they're given-- she only says I'm trying to help Simon. Admittedly, us Ceiling Cats are better than her cranky calico ways, but I still do my best to help whomsoever asks!

I wonder what will happen in this struggle next?

Moreover, if Simon is made King of Bad, will I be the Chronicler of Badness? A truly historically important position, befitting my age and majesty of stature.

Indeed. If these youngsters will just sort out their differences and let the clinic's cat struggle stabilize, all will be well and I can take on an extremely rewarding position!

Cookie! Simon! Get right on that.

Leaving you with one last war photo of Simon,
eagerly yours,
Jake

Simon's Rebuttal, Part Two

What's this, you might say? Simon is in the medicine cabinet?

It is a brilliant ploy, I have to admit. Bottles knocked every which way, work disrupted for precious minutes, and countless volumes of hilarity caused. Simon is the master of causing rueful admiration. People run for cameras whenever he does bad things, whereas Cookie just can't manage to be quite as photogenic. She doesn't have the charisma that we white cats ha-- I mean, that Simon has. Himself. Not me. *cough*

The humans were so amused by his doings that they ran for the camera and even put him back in when, humble, he tried to leave. Or escape the scene of the crime. I'm not quite sure of his reasoning, there.

Unless Cookie starts actually trying to hold her position, I'm afraid that Simon's going to win this and will not only receive back his title of head of the entertainment division, but also receive the title of King of Bad!

With some reservation,
yours,
Jake

Simon's Rebuttal, Part One

My dear audience, this is Jake, also known as the Second Simon by those who don't realize that I was here first. I only have three words for you to start: youngsters these days! They have no staying power. Cookie has been lounging about, doing nothing, ever since she won her position as head of the entertainment division! It seems like all she even wanted was to just say that she got one over on Simon, and since then, she's been good-for-nothing.

Cookie has officially turned the blog over to me, Jake, until Simon lands on his feet, as all cats do, and takes back over again. Not that she put it that way, of course. She just waved a paw and said, "It's all cool, Second Simon. Just go away."

I've said it once and I'll say it again-- youngsters! It's a sad state of affairs when a cat can't even keep hold of what was hard won, and we all know that Simon is Badder than Cookie could ever hope to be.

The first of Simon's take-back attempts was a mixture of adorability and annoyingness. (Yes, both of those are indeed words.) By laying on the blood machine, he obstructed work and provided a cuddly mass of devious feline intelligence to distract from any work that could be accomplished without the blood machine. It was a brilliant opening ploy. In reply... Cookie didn't notice. Her passive tactics of cuteness might have stolen her the position of head of the entertainment division in the first place, but they won't let her keep it. It's Simon's ingenuity that will win the day.

No, there is no white-cats-only prejudice going on here! Silence!

Until next week,
your affable author,
Jake

Corporate Takeover

Cookie here, bringing you the breaking news in cat mischief. Simon always tries to steal the spotlight, when really it's me who's been doing all the work around here. Simon's mellowed, I swear, what with his crush on his favorite human and his need to impress her. Ugh.

Lately, it's as if he can only look with awe at how great I am at my job, which is pretty much the same as HIS job, which he's been failing at. He just hasn't been bad enough.

I, meanwhile, have been sowing a low-level of discord. By being small and adorable, I can get away with pretty much anything. But by refusing to be picked up and carted around, despite how adorable I am, it frustrates people's need to cuddle the cuteness.

I have totally taken up the throne of the Bad Cat. Simon could only wish to be as terrifically bad as me. This means that I get the best seats in the house, the adoration, the praise, the bowing. Okay, there's no bowing. Why the heck isn't there any bowing, people? Get on that.

It's not about specialized acts of badness anymore, those one-time events that create huge amounts of annoyance and amusement. It's about that low-level badness that is day-to-day, ever-present, ever-watchful.... And that? I am the queen of. No one else in this practice is as cool as me at everything. It is official: I have taken over Simon's position as head of the entertainment division! And he better not try to get back his job, because this is just how the cookie's crumbled.

Sneakily yours,
Cookie

Warm weather? Cats rejoice!

I, Simon, am here to talk to you about SERIOUS BUSINESS. The vaccuum is trying to eat me! You can see it curled all around my unsuspecting feet, readying itself to pounce and steal my soul. Why is everything in this veterinary clinic always about eating/hurting/maiming/denying treats/etc. poor Simon? It's like the entire world revolves around me!

...Who am I kidding? Of COURSE the entire world revolves around me. I'm Simon, the original Bad Cat after all.

Has anyone else been enjoying the awesome, cat-errific weather? I and the Other Simon (i.e. Jake) have. The heat is not cat-astrophic, but instead cat-astic. Okay, okay. I'm done making puns now, I swear. Cross my little black heart-- made of gold, truly-- and hope to die.

I'm trying to make the Other Simon get up here to do a fantastic guest blog post, but he's SO hard to convince. It seems like he just doesn't want to get in on all this Bad Cat action. Honestly, though, who wouldn't want to be as awesomely Bad as Cookie and I? He just doesn't understand the hard work that goes into planning all of our tricks and mischievous rendez-vous.

More mischief for you next time. Cookie and I are just feeling too lazy at the moment to do more than soak up the sun.

Sunshine hugs and kisses,
sincerely,
your favorite Bad Cat,
Simon

Picasso!Cat, Coming Your Way

Dear peeps:

This is your friendly neighborhood Picasso speaking. Yes, that's right. I am both a Bad Cat and a Picasso. I'm very skilled indeed. I enjoy many hobbies and am good at all of them.

Isn't it pretty? I think that the fall of the white tissue suggests a kind of energy, mischievous and devilish. My unbiased eye thinks that it's the best artwork I have ever seen. It's frankly awesome. I, of course, speak from experience, as nothing is more awesome than I.

Feel free to rate my art. The scale is from 5 to 5. Any variance beyond that is unnecessary.

With respect,
yours,
Simon

The Days of Simonic Fun

O People, I love you all heartily. I love you all very, very much. My life is awesome and the world is awesome and I am awesome and... WHEEE!!!!

The spinning makes my eyes shiny. Do you realize how much fun it is to make people spin me around in circles in the garbage can lid? Everyone should do it. It could only be made better with application of the 'nip.

...Why do I have "You Spin Me Round" by Dead or Alive stuck in my head now?


Look at me. Adore me. Because I am cute, awesome, and great. ...WHEEEEEE!

Yours most sincerely,

Simon

Sad Things Come to Bad Cats

Dear Beloved Readers,

A couple of days ago, I sojourned out into the cold, for the good of both humanity and-- more importantly-- cat-kind. The staff went out for lunch and me, they didn't bring me! They obviously forgot, though, honestly, who could forget me? I had to stay under a car for hours. Days even. WEEKS! So when they finally came back from lunch, they let me in again. By that time, I was dirty. They made me dirty, and gross, and cold. Shame on them. Next time they'll know to bring the cat! I'm a member of this staff too! I'm the head of the entertainment division. They can leave Cookie and Jake. I mean, what do they do? But ME! How could they forget me?

Feeling hurt and abused,
your dearest friend,
Simon

New Pastimes

Cookie and I have a new pastime. It's called, Trick the Humans. It's really a lot of fun-- everyone should play it, because it's awesome!

Step one: Look down the drain mysteriously. (Definition of "mysteriously": in a cat-like manner.)

Step two: Do this often.

Rinse, repeat, and try not to get too wet. We've decided that there are fish living in the drains. Cookie, who actually believes this rather than just pretending, like me, meows that when she finds one, she'll make it a pet and call it Walter. I have tried not to snicker TOO much. It's not dignified.

If there were fish, I wonder what their lives would be like. They'd have to only swim vertically rather than horizontally, shooting through the pipes. Though there are probably horizontal pipes. I think I don't quite understand the concept of pipes. Hmm....

Jake has decided that we're both insane. Insanity is fun, though! Cats are creatures of the good kind of insanity. It's why we balance on skinny poles and things very far up in the air. It amuses the humans, and more importantly, it amuses us. When it suits us, anyway. :P


TTYL, people!

Your faithful blog writer,
signing off,
Simon

In which I am two years old

On the 21st, I had an epically awesome birthday party, celebrating my birthday on that Sunday.

I had a kitty litter cake and now am 2. Which isn't old, no matter what the usurper says, the little brat! My presents included:

• A light-up ball

• A catnip squirrel

• And tissue paper wrapping

They're finally beginning to appreciate how awesome I am! They're giving me almost enough stuff! Overall, it was a good birthday. Now, to plan how to get more gifts....

Slyly yours,
Simon

Oh, the Holiday Season

This is Cookie again, reporting because Simon is too ASHAMED to come to the computer right now, thanx bai.

Big roll of eyes, here. He's being such a drama cat. Honestly, if a cat can't stand a little bit of indignity, he doesn't deserve to be a cat. True dignity is when you can be a little ridiculous and realize that it doesn't offend your dignity. (This isn't to say that dogs are dignified. They aren't. You know it, and so do I.) So I think I should help him along a little bit-- here, I'll give you a photo of Simon looking great in his Christmas outfit. He would never let you see it himself, given the choice, but I think this will help him grow as a cat, don't you?

I think that it's really the holiday season that has pushed him over the edge. First, all of the outfits and the pictures. I mean, we got an awesome cat tower, but at what price? In my opinion, a perfectly agreeable price, but then again, I guess I'm not the one being photographed. And after that, they decided to poke him with needles today! Me, I say, "trials and tribulations of living in a veterinary clinic, right?" and go on with my life, provided that they don't do it to me. But Simon... I think it was the straw that broke the cat's back. And his little human girlfriend had to see his indignity too! (Simon is in luuuuurv with her. Jordan is nice, but blech! Humans!)

But, whatever. Let's let bygones be bygones and go on with our nine lives. I guess he does have a point. These people do torture us a lot. But hey, we are here for them to torture, I guess. It's all part of being a member of the entertainment division!

Me and Jake, we know better than to try to be the Baddest Cat Ever, but Simon doesn't really. He's so stupid, honestly. I am so superior to him that you can't even believe. I know better than to try to do what he does, but still... you can't help but admire him. Just a little. And let me remind you that since this is the interwebz, this might not be Cookie, so you can't hold me to those words! Don't tell Simon I said that!

Anyway, glad to give you a long post after our little blog-vacation! Here's hoping that you had a good holiday.

Staying awesome,
Cookie