So Says Simon is TIRED

It's been so warm out, the kind of days where cats just want to laze about and not do anything except exude cute. I don't want to do anything today, but here I am, blogging for you, because I am awesome. I'm thinking about even letting Cookie come back to the keyboard, even after her uprising where she tried to take my position away from me. As if she could ever be the head of bad in THIS veterinary clinic. That job is reserved solely for me, not for any skittish little upstart!

So you may have been able to tell, but I am letting The Other Simon do more. He is now chronicling the myths of cat-kind, to commemorate my reign, as well as writing odes to my awesomeness. I may stop that soon. His poetry is awful; myths are waaay better.

I may just lay here and let others do my work for me. It's too warm and nice out. I'll just relax and sit here....



zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..................

Rules For the Cat

As if the cat needs rules. Pah.

[Myth] Afa and the Bird

Once upon a time, cats ruled the world. This was in the time of Egypt, of Assyria, of Phoenicia. It was a time of sand and heat. These were the favored conditions for cats, so they thrived and grew as a species. They were worshiped as gods; Bast, Sekhmet-- only two of the many goddesses associated with cats.

Over the sands of Egypt rose a dynasty of cats. After years of battles with the jackals of the desert, the mighty cats rose as rulers of the land. The first Cat King was actually a Queen, and her name was Afa. As was the custom in the land, Afa was disguised as a king rather than a queen, and lived her life pretending to be a male cat.

One day, Afa was strolling down the banks of the Nile and she came upon a bird. This was a water bird, leggy and long-necked, with a great beak and narrow eyes. It was a savage creature to any unwary fish, but it had been brought low. On the side of that great river, it lay. Afa sat beside it and pondered. She would have loved to have been the one to catch the water bird, but eating it while it lay there seemed like too little of a challenge to her.

"What are you waiting for?" asked water bird. "Do you not plan to eat me?"

"I do," Afa proclaimed, rising to all four feet, "but I will not eat you if you are less than your best."

So for forty-nine days and nights, Afa nursed the water bird back to health in the comfort of her palace. She gave it broth made of fish, bathed its wounds in the softest of silks, and gently kissed its head every night before bed. When the day dawned that the bird could once more take flight, she jumped on its back and ate it all up.

Moral: Cats are capricious, but they never lie.

Bad: The Question of Why

Bad: The Question of Why

by

Jake,

Court Archivist,

otherwise known as, much to his frustration,

The Other Simon

The nature of bad is such that

 a cat can commit it without ever knowing, or necessarily realize what they've done,

as badness is in the nature of the cat.

As nature is natural, and we understand natural to be good,

can badness be bad?

Is badness evil? Is goodness, for a cat, bad?

The paradox of our existence breaks my brain.

Simon is exalted.

Simon Talks About Maru!

I have finally found a cat NEARLY as awesome as me.

This is Maru. Maru likes boxes. Maru understands the need that I have for a palace of boxes. (One day, I will make the humans create a box palace for me. This will be a wonderful day.)

Maru understands many things, like catly dignity and decided nonchalance. He understands our need to get into things. HE IS THE JAPANESE SCOTTISH FOLD VERSION OF ME. He even has his own Wikipedia page, which I hope one day to have. His celebrity is an inspiration to kingly cats everywhere.

With love and awe,
yours truly,
Simon

Shrink Ray Time!

I have come up with the perfect plan of bad!

We all know that cats are magic, right? Right. It's not like you've been living in a box all your life.

...

Note to self-- when given option, live in box all your life. How great would that be?

My bad plan is THIS-- I will shrink Dr. Miller and a DOG using special cat magic and make Dr. Miller work for all eternity as my little puppet. Dance, my puppets, dance! Every so often, I will probably remember to shrink some food for him. I assume. I'll assign Jake to it, anyway. He'll remember. Dr. Miller will be tortured for all eternity, since dogs are HORRIBLE, and it will give me an opportunity for chaos in his unexpected absence.

Meanwhile, everyone all through the practice will be scurrying about-- "Where is Dr. Miller?" they will wonder as their hearts are filled with apprehension and sorrow. "Where is he? We must have him back!" No one would think of Simon, Bad Cat Extraordinaire! And I would be free to set myself up as a DOCTOR KING. No more neuterings! Exam fees would go through the roof so that I could afford my elaborate lifestyle of gigantic pillows and boxes of all shapes and sizes. I would build a box palace and live in it forevermore, and no one would be able to roust me until a plucky young cat, probably called Knight or some such stupid thing, came to drive me from my throne as Evil Doctor King of Bad.

On second thought, I better not risk it.

Love and kisses,
Simon

We are NOT amused!

Hmph. My Court Archivist's poem has weird rhythm. How dare he make me an ode where the rhythm is all weird? I am NOT AMUSED. He must, obviously, try again, because I am too awesome to have a poem that is not perfect.

In other news, I am very tired. I am a tired cat. I work very hard here, and people insist on writing bad poems about me! How dare they.

 I need to come up with a new plan of bad. Something that will impress everyone. Something ode-worthy. But what? What could I do that would be that downright awesome?

Hmm.... I must scheme away and figure something out!

Adoringly yours,
Simon