Corporate Takeover

Cookie here, bringing you the breaking news in cat mischief. Simon always tries to steal the spotlight, when really it's me who's been doing all the work around here. Simon's mellowed, I swear, what with his crush on his favorite human and his need to impress her. Ugh.

Lately, it's as if he can only look with awe at how great I am at my job, which is pretty much the same as HIS job, which he's been failing at. He just hasn't been bad enough.

I, meanwhile, have been sowing a low-level of discord. By being small and adorable, I can get away with pretty much anything. But by refusing to be picked up and carted around, despite how adorable I am, it frustrates people's need to cuddle the cuteness.

I have totally taken up the throne of the Bad Cat. Simon could only wish to be as terrifically bad as me. This means that I get the best seats in the house, the adoration, the praise, the bowing. Okay, there's no bowing. Why the heck isn't there any bowing, people? Get on that.

It's not about specialized acts of badness anymore, those one-time events that create huge amounts of annoyance and amusement. It's about that low-level badness that is day-to-day, ever-present, ever-watchful.... And that? I am the queen of. No one else in this practice is as cool as me at everything. It is official: I have taken over Simon's position as head of the entertainment division! And he better not try to get back his job, because this is just how the cookie's crumbled.

Sneakily yours,
Cookie

Warm weather? Cats rejoice!

I, Simon, am here to talk to you about SERIOUS BUSINESS. The vaccuum is trying to eat me! You can see it curled all around my unsuspecting feet, readying itself to pounce and steal my soul. Why is everything in this veterinary clinic always about eating/hurting/maiming/denying treats/etc. poor Simon? It's like the entire world revolves around me!

...Who am I kidding? Of COURSE the entire world revolves around me. I'm Simon, the original Bad Cat after all.

Has anyone else been enjoying the awesome, cat-errific weather? I and the Other Simon (i.e. Jake) have. The heat is not cat-astrophic, but instead cat-astic. Okay, okay. I'm done making puns now, I swear. Cross my little black heart-- made of gold, truly-- and hope to die.

I'm trying to make the Other Simon get up here to do a fantastic guest blog post, but he's SO hard to convince. It seems like he just doesn't want to get in on all this Bad Cat action. Honestly, though, who wouldn't want to be as awesomely Bad as Cookie and I? He just doesn't understand the hard work that goes into planning all of our tricks and mischievous rendez-vous.

More mischief for you next time. Cookie and I are just feeling too lazy at the moment to do more than soak up the sun.

Sunshine hugs and kisses,
sincerely,
your favorite Bad Cat,
Simon

Picasso!Cat, Coming Your Way

Dear peeps:

This is your friendly neighborhood Picasso speaking. Yes, that's right. I am both a Bad Cat and a Picasso. I'm very skilled indeed. I enjoy many hobbies and am good at all of them.

Isn't it pretty? I think that the fall of the white tissue suggests a kind of energy, mischievous and devilish. My unbiased eye thinks that it's the best artwork I have ever seen. It's frankly awesome. I, of course, speak from experience, as nothing is more awesome than I.

Feel free to rate my art. The scale is from 5 to 5. Any variance beyond that is unnecessary.

With respect,
yours,
Simon

The Days of Simonic Fun

O People, I love you all heartily. I love you all very, very much. My life is awesome and the world is awesome and I am awesome and... WHEEE!!!!

The spinning makes my eyes shiny. Do you realize how much fun it is to make people spin me around in circles in the garbage can lid? Everyone should do it. It could only be made better with application of the 'nip.

...Why do I have "You Spin Me Round" by Dead or Alive stuck in my head now?


Look at me. Adore me. Because I am cute, awesome, and great. ...WHEEEEEE!

Yours most sincerely,

Simon

Sad Things Come to Bad Cats

Dear Beloved Readers,

A couple of days ago, I sojourned out into the cold, for the good of both humanity and-- more importantly-- cat-kind. The staff went out for lunch and me, they didn't bring me! They obviously forgot, though, honestly, who could forget me? I had to stay under a car for hours. Days even. WEEKS! So when they finally came back from lunch, they let me in again. By that time, I was dirty. They made me dirty, and gross, and cold. Shame on them. Next time they'll know to bring the cat! I'm a member of this staff too! I'm the head of the entertainment division. They can leave Cookie and Jake. I mean, what do they do? But ME! How could they forget me?

Feeling hurt and abused,
your dearest friend,
Simon

New Pastimes

Cookie and I have a new pastime. It's called, Trick the Humans. It's really a lot of fun-- everyone should play it, because it's awesome!

Step one: Look down the drain mysteriously. (Definition of "mysteriously": in a cat-like manner.)

Step two: Do this often.

Rinse, repeat, and try not to get too wet. We've decided that there are fish living in the drains. Cookie, who actually believes this rather than just pretending, like me, meows that when she finds one, she'll make it a pet and call it Walter. I have tried not to snicker TOO much. It's not dignified.

If there were fish, I wonder what their lives would be like. They'd have to only swim vertically rather than horizontally, shooting through the pipes. Though there are probably horizontal pipes. I think I don't quite understand the concept of pipes. Hmm....

Jake has decided that we're both insane. Insanity is fun, though! Cats are creatures of the good kind of insanity. It's why we balance on skinny poles and things very far up in the air. It amuses the humans, and more importantly, it amuses us. When it suits us, anyway. :P


TTYL, people!

Your faithful blog writer,
signing off,
Simon

In which I am two years old

On the 21st, I had an epically awesome birthday party, celebrating my birthday on that Sunday.

I had a kitty litter cake and now am 2. Which isn't old, no matter what the usurper says, the little brat! My presents included:

• A light-up ball

• A catnip squirrel

• And tissue paper wrapping

They're finally beginning to appreciate how awesome I am! They're giving me almost enough stuff! Overall, it was a good birthday. Now, to plan how to get more gifts....

Slyly yours,
Simon