An Ode to Bad

An Ode to Bad

by

Jake,

Court Archivist,

otherwise known as, much to his frustration,

The Other Simon

Simon was a good cat

Well, no, he was very bad

He loved to play his humans

They were his favorite game

The only beings able to amuse him--

Most other cats were very lame

(Of course, in comparison to dogs,

and rabbits, ferrets, humans.

Cats were the best of all,

even beating out animals with rumens.)

Simon invented names.

He set himself challenges in all his games.

He made up his enemies and denounced their ways.

He made up rebellions and made the rebels pay.

And in the beginning, though he merely headed the Department of Bad,

now he is the King, and we are not sad.

(Help us!)

Post-Script

Simon? Simon, it's dark in here. SIMON! Stop making me stay behind the safe, or in the basement, or any of your other dungeons! I won't try to take over your kingdom again, I promise!

This is NOT how I imagined the cookie crumbling!

Simon's Rebuttal, Part Three

The latest in Simon's attempts to regain his position as head of the entertainment division-- and perhaps even be promoted to King of Bad!-- has been been "helping."

To understand what a smart idea this is for him, you have to keep in mind that "helping" is a time-honored cat tradition. Countless of our forefathers (known as "foretoms" in certain dialects of meow) have studied this art and honed it to such an extent that the ability to "help" can make or break a cat's attempt to do bad. Simon softens the irritable edges of his "helping" by providing an adorable view and being innocently mischievous about what he does. This keeps the humans from being disturbed overly much, but lightens up their moods and keeps them entertained.

Meanwhile, Cookie... slept. And slept. And slept some more. Has she considered yet that cuteness will only get her so far? I've tried to advise her, but she won't take my generous words in the spirit of which they're given-- she only says I'm trying to help Simon. Admittedly, us Ceiling Cats are better than her cranky calico ways, but I still do my best to help whomsoever asks!

I wonder what will happen in this struggle next?

Moreover, if Simon is made King of Bad, will I be the Chronicler of Badness? A truly historically important position, befitting my age and majesty of stature.

Indeed. If these youngsters will just sort out their differences and let the clinic's cat struggle stabilize, all will be well and I can take on an extremely rewarding position!

Cookie! Simon! Get right on that.

Leaving you with one last war photo of Simon,
eagerly yours,
Jake

Simon's Rebuttal, Part Two

What's this, you might say? Simon is in the medicine cabinet?

It is a brilliant ploy, I have to admit. Bottles knocked every which way, work disrupted for precious minutes, and countless volumes of hilarity caused. Simon is the master of causing rueful admiration. People run for cameras whenever he does bad things, whereas Cookie just can't manage to be quite as photogenic. She doesn't have the charisma that we white cats ha-- I mean, that Simon has. Himself. Not me. *cough*

The humans were so amused by his doings that they ran for the camera and even put him back in when, humble, he tried to leave. Or escape the scene of the crime. I'm not quite sure of his reasoning, there.

Unless Cookie starts actually trying to hold her position, I'm afraid that Simon's going to win this and will not only receive back his title of head of the entertainment division, but also receive the title of King of Bad!

With some reservation,
yours,
Jake

Simon's Rebuttal, Part One

My dear audience, this is Jake, also known as the Second Simon by those who don't realize that I was here first. I only have three words for you to start: youngsters these days! They have no staying power. Cookie has been lounging about, doing nothing, ever since she won her position as head of the entertainment division! It seems like all she even wanted was to just say that she got one over on Simon, and since then, she's been good-for-nothing.

Cookie has officially turned the blog over to me, Jake, until Simon lands on his feet, as all cats do, and takes back over again. Not that she put it that way, of course. She just waved a paw and said, "It's all cool, Second Simon. Just go away."

I've said it once and I'll say it again-- youngsters! It's a sad state of affairs when a cat can't even keep hold of what was hard won, and we all know that Simon is Badder than Cookie could ever hope to be.

The first of Simon's take-back attempts was a mixture of adorability and annoyingness. (Yes, both of those are indeed words.) By laying on the blood machine, he obstructed work and provided a cuddly mass of devious feline intelligence to distract from any work that could be accomplished without the blood machine. It was a brilliant opening ploy. In reply... Cookie didn't notice. Her passive tactics of cuteness might have stolen her the position of head of the entertainment division in the first place, but they won't let her keep it. It's Simon's ingenuity that will win the day.

No, there is no white-cats-only prejudice going on here! Silence!

Until next week,
your affable author,
Jake

Corporate Takeover

Cookie here, bringing you the breaking news in cat mischief. Simon always tries to steal the spotlight, when really it's me who's been doing all the work around here. Simon's mellowed, I swear, what with his crush on his favorite human and his need to impress her. Ugh.

Lately, it's as if he can only look with awe at how great I am at my job, which is pretty much the same as HIS job, which he's been failing at. He just hasn't been bad enough.

I, meanwhile, have been sowing a low-level of discord. By being small and adorable, I can get away with pretty much anything. But by refusing to be picked up and carted around, despite how adorable I am, it frustrates people's need to cuddle the cuteness.

I have totally taken up the throne of the Bad Cat. Simon could only wish to be as terrifically bad as me. This means that I get the best seats in the house, the adoration, the praise, the bowing. Okay, there's no bowing. Why the heck isn't there any bowing, people? Get on that.

It's not about specialized acts of badness anymore, those one-time events that create huge amounts of annoyance and amusement. It's about that low-level badness that is day-to-day, ever-present, ever-watchful.... And that? I am the queen of. No one else in this practice is as cool as me at everything. It is official: I have taken over Simon's position as head of the entertainment division! And he better not try to get back his job, because this is just how the cookie's crumbled.

Sneakily yours,
Cookie

Oh, the Holiday Season

This is Cookie again, reporting because Simon is too ASHAMED to come to the computer right now, thanx bai.

Big roll of eyes, here. He's being such a drama cat. Honestly, if a cat can't stand a little bit of indignity, he doesn't deserve to be a cat. True dignity is when you can be a little ridiculous and realize that it doesn't offend your dignity. (This isn't to say that dogs are dignified. They aren't. You know it, and so do I.) So I think I should help him along a little bit-- here, I'll give you a photo of Simon looking great in his Christmas outfit. He would never let you see it himself, given the choice, but I think this will help him grow as a cat, don't you?

I think that it's really the holiday season that has pushed him over the edge. First, all of the outfits and the pictures. I mean, we got an awesome cat tower, but at what price? In my opinion, a perfectly agreeable price, but then again, I guess I'm not the one being photographed. And after that, they decided to poke him with needles today! Me, I say, "trials and tribulations of living in a veterinary clinic, right?" and go on with my life, provided that they don't do it to me. But Simon... I think it was the straw that broke the cat's back. And his little human girlfriend had to see his indignity too! (Simon is in luuuuurv with her. Jordan is nice, but blech! Humans!)

But, whatever. Let's let bygones be bygones and go on with our nine lives. I guess he does have a point. These people do torture us a lot. But hey, we are here for them to torture, I guess. It's all part of being a member of the entertainment division!

Me and Jake, we know better than to try to be the Baddest Cat Ever, but Simon doesn't really. He's so stupid, honestly. I am so superior to him that you can't even believe. I know better than to try to do what he does, but still... you can't help but admire him. Just a little. And let me remind you that since this is the interwebz, this might not be Cookie, so you can't hold me to those words! Don't tell Simon I said that!

Anyway, glad to give you a long post after our little blog-vacation! Here's hoping that you had a good holiday.

Staying awesome,
Cookie

That's How the Cookie Crumbles

Greetings.

This is Cookie, guest blogging for Simon. Simon asked me to blog for him today-- I have to assume because I'm cuter than he is and will attract more traffic to the blog-- so here I am, me, the wiliest usurper ever! Jake will probably be doing a guest post at some point in the future too, but his post obviously won't be as incredible as mine.

Anyway, we finally managed to get them to take down the curtains upstairs. After tearing them down so many times, it's only right that they would finally get the idea that we didn't want them there. I think that it really lifts the mood in the room, which is this entertainment department's main goal, after all. (Well, honestly, the main goal is getting the 'nip, but entertainment and lifting the mood are a close second. Maybe. Okay, not really, but Simon likes to meow about it like it is. Honestly, that's all he ever does. Talk talk talk. :P)

Other than that, not much is new in cool!cat-land. We've been sticking to the tried and true classics lately-- being adorable by sleeping in the same bed, batting at things despite how it wounds our dignity, &c. Simon's been teaching me, though, so maybe someday soon we'll do something big and get something cool for it. Simon always manages to make his tricks result in getting us something cool, like the fleece for the couch upstairs, or more 'nip. You know, people, Christmas is coming up and I'd really like more toys.... Or treats, or 'nip, for that matter.

Because we are the original cool cats. We are the best at what we do. And that's just how the cookie crumbles.

Hugs and kisses,
Cookie