So Says Simon is TIRED

It's been so warm out, the kind of days where cats just want to laze about and not do anything except exude cute. I don't want to do anything today, but here I am, blogging for you, because I am awesome. I'm thinking about even letting Cookie come back to the keyboard, even after her uprising where she tried to take my position away from me. As if she could ever be the head of bad in THIS veterinary clinic. That job is reserved solely for me, not for any skittish little upstart!

So you may have been able to tell, but I am letting The Other Simon do more. He is now chronicling the myths of cat-kind, to commemorate my reign, as well as writing odes to my awesomeness. I may stop that soon. His poetry is awful; myths are waaay better.

I may just lay here and let others do my work for me. It's too warm and nice out. I'll just relax and sit here....



zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..................

Shrink Ray Time!

I have come up with the perfect plan of bad!

We all know that cats are magic, right? Right. It's not like you've been living in a box all your life.

...

Note to self-- when given option, live in box all your life. How great would that be?

My bad plan is THIS-- I will shrink Dr. Miller and a DOG using special cat magic and make Dr. Miller work for all eternity as my little puppet. Dance, my puppets, dance! Every so often, I will probably remember to shrink some food for him. I assume. I'll assign Jake to it, anyway. He'll remember. Dr. Miller will be tortured for all eternity, since dogs are HORRIBLE, and it will give me an opportunity for chaos in his unexpected absence.

Meanwhile, everyone all through the practice will be scurrying about-- "Where is Dr. Miller?" they will wonder as their hearts are filled with apprehension and sorrow. "Where is he? We must have him back!" No one would think of Simon, Bad Cat Extraordinaire! And I would be free to set myself up as a DOCTOR KING. No more neuterings! Exam fees would go through the roof so that I could afford my elaborate lifestyle of gigantic pillows and boxes of all shapes and sizes. I would build a box palace and live in it forevermore, and no one would be able to roust me until a plucky young cat, probably called Knight or some such stupid thing, came to drive me from my throne as Evil Doctor King of Bad.

On second thought, I better not risk it.

Love and kisses,
Simon

We are NOT amused!

Hmph. My Court Archivist's poem has weird rhythm. How dare he make me an ode where the rhythm is all weird? I am NOT AMUSED. He must, obviously, try again, because I am too awesome to have a poem that is not perfect.

In other news, I am very tired. I am a tired cat. I work very hard here, and people insist on writing bad poems about me! How dare they.

 I need to come up with a new plan of bad. Something that will impress everyone. Something ode-worthy. But what? What could I do that would be that downright awesome?

Hmm.... I must scheme away and figure something out!

Adoringly yours,
Simon

Not Enough Badness Lately

Oh, woe is me! I have asthma! I am an asthmatic cat!

Okay, no. The asthma inhaler is just really fun to steal. It's strange how much humor arises from thievery. Is it some sort of slapstick thing? Why is it that badness is so amusing to humans? Sometimes I ponder how I arose to my high state as King of Bad. I am a thoughtful cat.

Because it is strange, you know. How many humans think that badness is funny. I mean, I think badness is funny, but I'm bad, so there you go.

All has been well in my court lately, thus leaving me time to ponder the state of my kingdom's subjects. I have considered letting Cookie out the dungeon for her rebel insurrection, the Other Simon has been set to composing odes to my reign, and the Court Jester is, sadly, not yet eaten.

I need to form a new plan of badness. Something big. Something epic. But what? What should I do that would make everything else seem tame in comparison? I, the King of Bad, can't be allowed to get bored. That would just be so weird.

Thoughtfully,
Simon

Jester's Day

Hey guys! Simon here!

So, it's April 1st, folks! What will be my trick today, you ask? Well, to be honest. I have none. I'm just going to hop on through the practice, get my exercise, and maybe munch on a few carrots or something. Because that's what the King of Bad does-- he is a healthy vegan rabbit of awesome.

What? Cats, you say? You thought I was a cat? But I hear they eat my kind! Perish the thought! Besides, bunnies are too awesome for cats to even consider hunting... maybe pouncing on just a little... chasing around the room....

Okay, yeah, I'm not a rabbit. Jeez, like I'm that lettuce-brained! April Fools! Couldn't keep that up because really? I kind of want to eat my Court Jester here. But at least I tried. I mean, a cat like me lowering himself enough to pretend to be a rabbit, just to amuse you. You're welcome, folks. You're welcome.

Hoppily yours,
Simon

Thoughts on April Fools' Day! Expect the Unexpected

Decisions, decisions....

Tomorrow is April Fools' Day! It is my favorite day of the year. Unlike Halloween, where tricks are played, but you humans INSIST on dressing me in silly costumes, April Fools' Day is a day where tricks are played and no one can stop you. No one dresses you in costumes, no one can keep you from being bad in every way possible!

What badness will I think of next? What will I do tomorrow? More importantly, why is it that April Fools' Day is on a Sunday? Who will see the badness? If the badness isn't seen, is it really there?

That is what this blog is for, however. For everyone to see and admire the badness of me, Simon, King of Bad!

Tomorrow will be a day of adventure, of surprise, of glee and fun and WEIRD.

Schemingly yours,
with love and catnip,
Simon

A Guide in Ruling Your Kingdom, Cat Edition, Part One

The thing is, you need to understand that I'm cute. It makes it all worth it. It's not like we haven't seen ample evidence of my cuteness-- see exhibits A and B-- but sometimes I feel like people forget. I make a mess, even though it's purely for their own enjoyment and to liven up their lives, and then they stare at me and glare at me and say, "Oh Simon, shame!"

You'd think they would understand by now. Not only that I don't have any shame, but that I'm cute and can get away with anything, so why even go through the motions?

There are a few ways that cats rule their kingdoms.

Exhibit A.

One-- they rule by cuteness. Occasionally, I rule by cuteness. It  helps me get out of scrapes. Cookie always tried to rule by cuteness, in those brief days when she attempted to take my kingdom from me. However, cuteness in cats is often laziness disguised. Basically, we just want to eat, sleep, and be merry. Cats who rule by cute and cute alone often fall from their thrones by foul means, due to the wilier cats.

Cats also rule by wiles. Wiles is the use of cunning strategy and careful deployment of all tactics to gain favor with their humans and elevate their own positions within the kingdom. For example, say that I want food. (And I, of course, would never use this tactic, though I have heard of others who do.) While trying to appear as cute as possible, I will beat my sister-cat on the head with my paw so that the humans will understand that I mean business. "Look adorable, but cultivate long claws" is the name of this tactic. I try as often as possible to rule by wiles, but without that edge of ruthlessness. No one likes a ruthless cat, but everyone likes an awesome one.

Exhibit B.

In using wiles, the best thing to do is also use cuteness. Cuteness can rarely succeed alone, unless the humans are a particular type of soft touch. The key to being a good ruler is to pair your smarts with your looks and then make lots of money. Or get lots of 'nip. However that song goes.

...I should get a bard to write songs and poems to commemorate my reign...

Why do I now have a feeling that I've just provided enterprising upstarts with the keys to success?

A touch worried now,
yours,
Simon

Dr. Simon to the Rescue, Saving Ties Everywhere!

 
The honest truth (I swear to Santa Paws himself!) I wasn't trying to kill Dr. Salvatore. Mostly. Okay, but there was a tie involved. A tie. Ties dangle. One can't expect a cat not to attach himself to the nearest tie, right? Right?! That's just too much to ask, that I not want to claw it and bite it and strangle Dr. Salvatore, just a little.

He makes himself an easy target, wearing ties. Yeah, that's right! I blame him! And they find my behavior charming, anyway! They do!

It was an innocent mistake, the strangling. See, he bent down to pet me, and the tie was right there, and I was so close and it was just a little bit of strangling! Of course, then the fool tried to take it away from me! A scurrilous mistake! CHOMP! MY TIE, thank you very much!

Needless to say, I won the epic Battle of the Tie and gained a victory prize.

With all the composure and grace of a tie-wearing doctor-cat or lawyer-cat,
I am yours, in both badness and the rare good times.

Sincerely,
Simon

An Ode to Trimmed Nails

OH MY GAWD THEY CUT MY NAILS WHY.

It's. It's just such a travesty. I work hard for these people. I provide light, and amusement, and joy. I make them smile; I make them groan, and laugh, and sigh. I make these people's lives better.

And they do things like this. They cut my beautiful, sharp nails and make them disappear into the garbage. They take away my livelihood. Who, now will smack Cookie when she's getting arrogant? (Not me, that's who. And not only because my nails were cut-- she's also kind of scary sometimes.)

Why do they do this? Why? What did I do wrong? ;_;

With great trepidation,
and sorrow,
and pain,
and woe,
Simon

A Truth Universally Acknowledged

It is a truth universally acknowledged that cats have an honest and pure duty to bite, rip, and tear all stuffed animals. Being a Cat of Cats, a Kingly Cat, a Cat of Awesome Badness, I could no more deny my duty in this manner than I could fly. (Note to self-- see if you can fly.)

You must understand, the Pig was asking for it. It was all up in my business, trying to sock me on my gorgeous if-I-do-say-so-myself nose. I therefore had to bite its little piggy snout and squish it, just a little.

Such is my catly duty.

Of course, it is also the nature of the noble cat to forgive and cease biting once the scurrilous creature that offended ye awesome cat apologizes. Therefore, I was eventually able to forgive Piglet and get on with my life.

In the days before Christmas, the cats have managed to con one of the vet techs, Beth, into providing us with stockings. Having stockings, naturally, means that they have to be filled. I, however, through my sneaky cat ways, have managed to hear rumors that Dr. Wood got me a present that was too big for my stocking! I love loot. It's part of my Pirate King of Bad ways.

Sneakily, Piglet-lovingly, hilariously yours,
Simon

Discovery! Simon's Cat.

I have discovered that a fellow cat has been immortalized in my name. Okay, perhaps not in my name but honestly, we all know that every Simon in the world refers in some way to me, don't we? Let's not kid ourselves-- the name Simon can only be referential to my awesomeness, can it not?

Wholeheartedly, I give to you, Simon's Cat. The video below is, in particular, reflective of the season. I feel that Simon's Cat truly reflects the awesome powers of catdom, and our constant struggle to be well fed.



Reminding me, of course, that The Diet has failed spectacularly and you might not be able to discern me from The Other Simon, my dear court archivist, Jake. We appear to have an equal amount of, ah, majesty, shall we say?

A cat is always in need of more majesty.

Yours in rotundness,
Simon

All Hallow's Eve!

Avast, ye blog readers! Argh! The King of Bad is now a Pirate King! Normally, I would be a little bit hesitant to allow humans to put pirate costumes on me (not that it was precisely fun, crazy humans), but at least they chose something that suited me to a T. Something so incredible, so perfect, so awesome as this. Because let's face it, I'm a pirate cat.

So, let's be honest. Humans are insane. They put costumes on cats, don't feed us enough (ever), yell at us for silly things like ripping up the toilet paper (it's always there, beckoning!), and get confused when we run out the door when all we want to do is escape their crazy. But Halloween is probably the best human thing ever. Cats get to dress up as pirates and humans have the opportunity to dress up as the best being in existence. I am, naturally, speaking of cats.

It's a popular costume, even! Humans have a long-repressed desire to be cats instead, and on Halloween, it's able to come out. I declared it so, and in Crossroads, even managed to convince one of the vet techs to put on cat ears. She obviously realized the genius that is cat.

Okay, okay. Enough ego stroking. What's been going on in the Kingdom of Bad, you ask me, desperate yearning in your eyes!

Stuff! I answer. Secret stuff! Awesome stuff of epic proportions! The plans are being set in motion. It's coming.

From beneath you, it devours!

No, wait. I stole that quotation from someone....

Meh. Mine now!

Yours truly,
Simon, Pirate King of Bad

*plotplotplot*

There is a fact about cats which is little known. That is because we cats are above all of this nonsense about laying things on the table. We prefer laying under tables, and stairs, and chairs-- in all the hidden places of universe so that we can pounce out and destroy your sense of peace.

We cats are awesome.

So, back to the little known fact, because I digress. Or maybe this is relevant. Who says I have to say whether it is or not? But hey, I'm the King of Bad! Put up with it or IN THE STOCKS with you!

Cats are contortionists. We can fit into tiny spaces. It goes along with that whole "hidden places of the universe" thing. And also, that "cute on purpose" thing. What? You already knew about that we're cute on purpose, if you've ever met a cat at all. And if you haven't met a cat, where have you been your whole life? Heathen! Into the stocks!

Okay. I swear I'm done with my power trip.

Okay, no. I'm not. Don't you wonder about the radio silence for the past month? Don't you wonder what happened to Cookie, the Usurper? I've been putting plans into place. Doing Things. Important Things. Awesome Things.

Ah, but let's not discuss work at a time like this. Relax. I know what I'm doing.

This is Simon, contortionist cat, cat of cute, King of Bad,
saying farewell until next time.

VICTORY!

Hello dear blog readers!

It's Simon again-- no, no, stop crying. I know the joy is too much for you to handle, but please, try. You're embarrassing me. The last battle of the War of the Usurper has finally been won. (The Second Simon named it. Isn't he great?)

The Battle of the Curtain will go down in feline history as one of the great battles. Cookie thought that she was just doing a corporate takeover, but didn't realize that she was getting a war for the history books.

I can hardly believe I've won. It's taken so long, and this blog was so neglected during the Reign of the Usurper. Jake did his best, but the struggles were sometimes too much for him, and getting permission from the Usurper to begin with was difficult. But we've prevailed. Our travail is finished; we're entering the Golden Age of Bad, where the humans will be happy and the cats will be naughty.

Okay, let's face it: it's gonna be freaking awesome.

Cheers,
Simon

Warm weather? Cats rejoice!

I, Simon, am here to talk to you about SERIOUS BUSINESS. The vaccuum is trying to eat me! You can see it curled all around my unsuspecting feet, readying itself to pounce and steal my soul. Why is everything in this veterinary clinic always about eating/hurting/maiming/denying treats/etc. poor Simon? It's like the entire world revolves around me!

...Who am I kidding? Of COURSE the entire world revolves around me. I'm Simon, the original Bad Cat after all.

Has anyone else been enjoying the awesome, cat-errific weather? I and the Other Simon (i.e. Jake) have. The heat is not cat-astrophic, but instead cat-astic. Okay, okay. I'm done making puns now, I swear. Cross my little black heart-- made of gold, truly-- and hope to die.

I'm trying to make the Other Simon get up here to do a fantastic guest blog post, but he's SO hard to convince. It seems like he just doesn't want to get in on all this Bad Cat action. Honestly, though, who wouldn't want to be as awesomely Bad as Cookie and I? He just doesn't understand the hard work that goes into planning all of our tricks and mischievous rendez-vous.

More mischief for you next time. Cookie and I are just feeling too lazy at the moment to do more than soak up the sun.

Sunshine hugs and kisses,
sincerely,
your favorite Bad Cat,
Simon

Picasso!Cat, Coming Your Way

Dear peeps:

This is your friendly neighborhood Picasso speaking. Yes, that's right. I am both a Bad Cat and a Picasso. I'm very skilled indeed. I enjoy many hobbies and am good at all of them.

Isn't it pretty? I think that the fall of the white tissue suggests a kind of energy, mischievous and devilish. My unbiased eye thinks that it's the best artwork I have ever seen. It's frankly awesome. I, of course, speak from experience, as nothing is more awesome than I.

Feel free to rate my art. The scale is from 5 to 5. Any variance beyond that is unnecessary.

With respect,
yours,
Simon

The Days of Simonic Fun

O People, I love you all heartily. I love you all very, very much. My life is awesome and the world is awesome and I am awesome and... WHEEE!!!!

The spinning makes my eyes shiny. Do you realize how much fun it is to make people spin me around in circles in the garbage can lid? Everyone should do it. It could only be made better with application of the 'nip.

...Why do I have "You Spin Me Round" by Dead or Alive stuck in my head now?


Look at me. Adore me. Because I am cute, awesome, and great. ...WHEEEEEE!

Yours most sincerely,

Simon

Sad Things Come to Bad Cats

Dear Beloved Readers,

A couple of days ago, I sojourned out into the cold, for the good of both humanity and-- more importantly-- cat-kind. The staff went out for lunch and me, they didn't bring me! They obviously forgot, though, honestly, who could forget me? I had to stay under a car for hours. Days even. WEEKS! So when they finally came back from lunch, they let me in again. By that time, I was dirty. They made me dirty, and gross, and cold. Shame on them. Next time they'll know to bring the cat! I'm a member of this staff too! I'm the head of the entertainment division. They can leave Cookie and Jake. I mean, what do they do? But ME! How could they forget me?

Feeling hurt and abused,
your dearest friend,
Simon

New Pastimes

Cookie and I have a new pastime. It's called, Trick the Humans. It's really a lot of fun-- everyone should play it, because it's awesome!

Step one: Look down the drain mysteriously. (Definition of "mysteriously": in a cat-like manner.)

Step two: Do this often.

Rinse, repeat, and try not to get too wet. We've decided that there are fish living in the drains. Cookie, who actually believes this rather than just pretending, like me, meows that when she finds one, she'll make it a pet and call it Walter. I have tried not to snicker TOO much. It's not dignified.

If there were fish, I wonder what their lives would be like. They'd have to only swim vertically rather than horizontally, shooting through the pipes. Though there are probably horizontal pipes. I think I don't quite understand the concept of pipes. Hmm....

Jake has decided that we're both insane. Insanity is fun, though! Cats are creatures of the good kind of insanity. It's why we balance on skinny poles and things very far up in the air. It amuses the humans, and more importantly, it amuses us. When it suits us, anyway. :P


TTYL, people!

Your faithful blog writer,
signing off,
Simon

In which I am two years old

On the 21st, I had an epically awesome birthday party, celebrating my birthday on that Sunday.

I had a kitty litter cake and now am 2. Which isn't old, no matter what the usurper says, the little brat! My presents included:

• A light-up ball

• A catnip squirrel

• And tissue paper wrapping

They're finally beginning to appreciate how awesome I am! They're giving me almost enough stuff! Overall, it was a good birthday. Now, to plan how to get more gifts....

Slyly yours,
Simon