A Guide in Ruling Your Kingdom, Cat Edition, Part One

The thing is, you need to understand that I'm cute. It makes it all worth it. It's not like we haven't seen ample evidence of my cuteness-- see exhibits A and B-- but sometimes I feel like people forget. I make a mess, even though it's purely for their own enjoyment and to liven up their lives, and then they stare at me and glare at me and say, "Oh Simon, shame!"

You'd think they would understand by now. Not only that I don't have any shame, but that I'm cute and can get away with anything, so why even go through the motions?

There are a few ways that cats rule their kingdoms.

Exhibit A.

One-- they rule by cuteness. Occasionally, I rule by cuteness. It  helps me get out of scrapes. Cookie always tried to rule by cuteness, in those brief days when she attempted to take my kingdom from me. However, cuteness in cats is often laziness disguised. Basically, we just want to eat, sleep, and be merry. Cats who rule by cute and cute alone often fall from their thrones by foul means, due to the wilier cats.

Cats also rule by wiles. Wiles is the use of cunning strategy and careful deployment of all tactics to gain favor with their humans and elevate their own positions within the kingdom. For example, say that I want food. (And I, of course, would never use this tactic, though I have heard of others who do.) While trying to appear as cute as possible, I will beat my sister-cat on the head with my paw so that the humans will understand that I mean business. "Look adorable, but cultivate long claws" is the name of this tactic. I try as often as possible to rule by wiles, but without that edge of ruthlessness. No one likes a ruthless cat, but everyone likes an awesome one.

Exhibit B.

In using wiles, the best thing to do is also use cuteness. Cuteness can rarely succeed alone, unless the humans are a particular type of soft touch. The key to being a good ruler is to pair your smarts with your looks and then make lots of money. Or get lots of 'nip. However that song goes.

...I should get a bard to write songs and poems to commemorate my reign...

Why do I now have a feeling that I've just provided enterprising upstarts with the keys to success?

A touch worried now,
yours,
Simon