Felix + Yours Truly = DISASTER

Why is this happening to me?!?! It's so horrible! They keep getting more, other cats! Not as good cats! This is Felix. He sees fit to cuddle me. What kind of self-respecting cat cuddles? ANSWER: NONE. No self-respecting cat. Felix is HORRIBLE. I don't understand cats who aren't properly aloof, as cats should be. It's just so wrong!

Angrily yours,
Simon

We are NOT amused!

Hmph. My Court Archivist's poem has weird rhythm. How dare he make me an ode where the rhythm is all weird? I am NOT AMUSED. He must, obviously, try again, because I am too awesome to have a poem that is not perfect.

In other news, I am very tired. I am a tired cat. I work very hard here, and people insist on writing bad poems about me! How dare they.

 I need to come up with a new plan of bad. Something that will impress everyone. Something ode-worthy. But what? What could I do that would be that downright awesome?

Hmm.... I must scheme away and figure something out!

Adoringly yours,
Simon

Dr. Simon to the Rescue, Saving Ties Everywhere!

 
The honest truth (I swear to Santa Paws himself!) I wasn't trying to kill Dr. Salvatore. Mostly. Okay, but there was a tie involved. A tie. Ties dangle. One can't expect a cat not to attach himself to the nearest tie, right? Right?! That's just too much to ask, that I not want to claw it and bite it and strangle Dr. Salvatore, just a little.

He makes himself an easy target, wearing ties. Yeah, that's right! I blame him! And they find my behavior charming, anyway! They do!

It was an innocent mistake, the strangling. See, he bent down to pet me, and the tie was right there, and I was so close and it was just a little bit of strangling! Of course, then the fool tried to take it away from me! A scurrilous mistake! CHOMP! MY TIE, thank you very much!

Needless to say, I won the epic Battle of the Tie and gained a victory prize.

With all the composure and grace of a tie-wearing doctor-cat or lawyer-cat,
I am yours, in both badness and the rare good times.

Sincerely,
Simon

An Ode to Trimmed Nails

OH MY GAWD THEY CUT MY NAILS WHY.

It's. It's just such a travesty. I work hard for these people. I provide light, and amusement, and joy. I make them smile; I make them groan, and laugh, and sigh. I make these people's lives better.

And they do things like this. They cut my beautiful, sharp nails and make them disappear into the garbage. They take away my livelihood. Who, now will smack Cookie when she's getting arrogant? (Not me, that's who. And not only because my nails were cut-- she's also kind of scary sometimes.)

Why do they do this? Why? What did I do wrong? ;_;

With great trepidation,
and sorrow,
and pain,
and woe,
Simon

All Hallow's Eve!

Avast, ye blog readers! Argh! The King of Bad is now a Pirate King! Normally, I would be a little bit hesitant to allow humans to put pirate costumes on me (not that it was precisely fun, crazy humans), but at least they chose something that suited me to a T. Something so incredible, so perfect, so awesome as this. Because let's face it, I'm a pirate cat.

So, let's be honest. Humans are insane. They put costumes on cats, don't feed us enough (ever), yell at us for silly things like ripping up the toilet paper (it's always there, beckoning!), and get confused when we run out the door when all we want to do is escape their crazy. But Halloween is probably the best human thing ever. Cats get to dress up as pirates and humans have the opportunity to dress up as the best being in existence. I am, naturally, speaking of cats.

It's a popular costume, even! Humans have a long-repressed desire to be cats instead, and on Halloween, it's able to come out. I declared it so, and in Crossroads, even managed to convince one of the vet techs to put on cat ears. She obviously realized the genius that is cat.

Okay, okay. Enough ego stroking. What's been going on in the Kingdom of Bad, you ask me, desperate yearning in your eyes!

Stuff! I answer. Secret stuff! Awesome stuff of epic proportions! The plans are being set in motion. It's coming.

From beneath you, it devours!

No, wait. I stole that quotation from someone....

Meh. Mine now!

Yours truly,
Simon, Pirate King of Bad

Sad Things Come to Bad Cats

Dear Beloved Readers,

A couple of days ago, I sojourned out into the cold, for the good of both humanity and-- more importantly-- cat-kind. The staff went out for lunch and me, they didn't bring me! They obviously forgot, though, honestly, who could forget me? I had to stay under a car for hours. Days even. WEEKS! So when they finally came back from lunch, they let me in again. By that time, I was dirty. They made me dirty, and gross, and cold. Shame on them. Next time they'll know to bring the cat! I'm a member of this staff too! I'm the head of the entertainment division. They can leave Cookie and Jake. I mean, what do they do? But ME! How could they forget me?

Feeling hurt and abused,
your dearest friend,
Simon

Bath!

They bathed me. Okay, deep breath, Simon. Breathe. Inhale, exhale, inhale....

They bathed me. They made me wet. The bath itself? Fine, sure, whatever. It amused everyone well enough. But then I was wet. They bathed me. That was NOT awesome. What did they think they were doing? What happened to cats having dignity? (What dignity? you say. MY dignity! I had scads of it before this!)

I don't have any dignity anymore, do I? I think I'm in shock. I've been stripped of my dignity. I didn't deserve this! I only got into some gross X-ray stuff, but honest, I didn't deserve it.

Well... I am much smaller without my hair. Maybe this means that the Diet can cease?

With a great amount of sorrow and grief,
Simon