An Ode to Bad

An Ode to Bad

by

Jake,

Court Archivist,

otherwise known as, much to his frustration,

The Other Simon

Simon was a good cat

Well, no, he was very bad

He loved to play his humans

They were his favorite game

The only beings able to amuse him--

Most other cats were very lame

(Of course, in comparison to dogs,

and rabbits, ferrets, humans.

Cats were the best of all,

even beating out animals with rumens.)

Simon invented names.

He set himself challenges in all his games.

He made up his enemies and denounced their ways.

He made up rebellions and made the rebels pay.

And in the beginning, though he merely headed the Department of Bad,

now he is the King, and we are not sad.

(Help us!)

Not Enough Badness Lately

Oh, woe is me! I have asthma! I am an asthmatic cat!

Okay, no. The asthma inhaler is just really fun to steal. It's strange how much humor arises from thievery. Is it some sort of slapstick thing? Why is it that badness is so amusing to humans? Sometimes I ponder how I arose to my high state as King of Bad. I am a thoughtful cat.

Because it is strange, you know. How many humans think that badness is funny. I mean, I think badness is funny, but I'm bad, so there you go.

All has been well in my court lately, thus leaving me time to ponder the state of my kingdom's subjects. I have considered letting Cookie out the dungeon for her rebel insurrection, the Other Simon has been set to composing odes to my reign, and the Court Jester is, sadly, not yet eaten.

I need to form a new plan of badness. Something big. Something epic. But what? What should I do that would make everything else seem tame in comparison? I, the King of Bad, can't be allowed to get bored. That would just be so weird.

Thoughtfully,
Simon

Jester's Day

Hey guys! Simon here!

So, it's April 1st, folks! What will be my trick today, you ask? Well, to be honest. I have none. I'm just going to hop on through the practice, get my exercise, and maybe munch on a few carrots or something. Because that's what the King of Bad does-- he is a healthy vegan rabbit of awesome.

What? Cats, you say? You thought I was a cat? But I hear they eat my kind! Perish the thought! Besides, bunnies are too awesome for cats to even consider hunting... maybe pouncing on just a little... chasing around the room....

Okay, yeah, I'm not a rabbit. Jeez, like I'm that lettuce-brained! April Fools! Couldn't keep that up because really? I kind of want to eat my Court Jester here. But at least I tried. I mean, a cat like me lowering himself enough to pretend to be a rabbit, just to amuse you. You're welcome, folks. You're welcome.

Hoppily yours,
Simon

Thoughts on April Fools' Day! Expect the Unexpected

Decisions, decisions....

Tomorrow is April Fools' Day! It is my favorite day of the year. Unlike Halloween, where tricks are played, but you humans INSIST on dressing me in silly costumes, April Fools' Day is a day where tricks are played and no one can stop you. No one dresses you in costumes, no one can keep you from being bad in every way possible!

What badness will I think of next? What will I do tomorrow? More importantly, why is it that April Fools' Day is on a Sunday? Who will see the badness? If the badness isn't seen, is it really there?

That is what this blog is for, however. For everyone to see and admire the badness of me, Simon, King of Bad!

Tomorrow will be a day of adventure, of surprise, of glee and fun and WEIRD.

Schemingly yours,
with love and catnip,
Simon

A Guide in Ruling Your Kingdom, Cat Edition, Part One

The thing is, you need to understand that I'm cute. It makes it all worth it. It's not like we haven't seen ample evidence of my cuteness-- see exhibits A and B-- but sometimes I feel like people forget. I make a mess, even though it's purely for their own enjoyment and to liven up their lives, and then they stare at me and glare at me and say, "Oh Simon, shame!"

You'd think they would understand by now. Not only that I don't have any shame, but that I'm cute and can get away with anything, so why even go through the motions?

There are a few ways that cats rule their kingdoms.

Exhibit A.

One-- they rule by cuteness. Occasionally, I rule by cuteness. It  helps me get out of scrapes. Cookie always tried to rule by cuteness, in those brief days when she attempted to take my kingdom from me. However, cuteness in cats is often laziness disguised. Basically, we just want to eat, sleep, and be merry. Cats who rule by cute and cute alone often fall from their thrones by foul means, due to the wilier cats.

Cats also rule by wiles. Wiles is the use of cunning strategy and careful deployment of all tactics to gain favor with their humans and elevate their own positions within the kingdom. For example, say that I want food. (And I, of course, would never use this tactic, though I have heard of others who do.) While trying to appear as cute as possible, I will beat my sister-cat on the head with my paw so that the humans will understand that I mean business. "Look adorable, but cultivate long claws" is the name of this tactic. I try as often as possible to rule by wiles, but without that edge of ruthlessness. No one likes a ruthless cat, but everyone likes an awesome one.

Exhibit B.

In using wiles, the best thing to do is also use cuteness. Cuteness can rarely succeed alone, unless the humans are a particular type of soft touch. The key to being a good ruler is to pair your smarts with your looks and then make lots of money. Or get lots of 'nip. However that song goes.

...I should get a bard to write songs and poems to commemorate my reign...

Why do I now have a feeling that I've just provided enterprising upstarts with the keys to success?

A touch worried now,
yours,
Simon

How To Train Your Human

This is definitely a book I need to read. But to train the humans to hold the book open for me first... hmm....

Dr. Simon to the Rescue, Saving Ties Everywhere!

 
The honest truth (I swear to Santa Paws himself!) I wasn't trying to kill Dr. Salvatore. Mostly. Okay, but there was a tie involved. A tie. Ties dangle. One can't expect a cat not to attach himself to the nearest tie, right? Right?! That's just too much to ask, that I not want to claw it and bite it and strangle Dr. Salvatore, just a little.

He makes himself an easy target, wearing ties. Yeah, that's right! I blame him! And they find my behavior charming, anyway! They do!

It was an innocent mistake, the strangling. See, he bent down to pet me, and the tie was right there, and I was so close and it was just a little bit of strangling! Of course, then the fool tried to take it away from me! A scurrilous mistake! CHOMP! MY TIE, thank you very much!

Needless to say, I won the epic Battle of the Tie and gained a victory prize.

With all the composure and grace of a tie-wearing doctor-cat or lawyer-cat,
I am yours, in both badness and the rare good times.

Sincerely,
Simon