Simon Talks About Maru!

I have finally found a cat NEARLY as awesome as me.

This is Maru. Maru likes boxes. Maru understands the need that I have for a palace of boxes. (One day, I will make the humans create a box palace for me. This will be a wonderful day.)

Maru understands many things, like catly dignity and decided nonchalance. He understands our need to get into things. HE IS THE JAPANESE SCOTTISH FOLD VERSION OF ME. He even has his own Wikipedia page, which I hope one day to have. His celebrity is an inspiration to kingly cats everywhere.

With love and awe,
yours truly,
Simon

Shrink Ray Time!

I have come up with the perfect plan of bad!

We all know that cats are magic, right? Right. It's not like you've been living in a box all your life.

...

Note to self-- when given option, live in box all your life. How great would that be?

My bad plan is THIS-- I will shrink Dr. Miller and a DOG using special cat magic and make Dr. Miller work for all eternity as my little puppet. Dance, my puppets, dance! Every so often, I will probably remember to shrink some food for him. I assume. I'll assign Jake to it, anyway. He'll remember. Dr. Miller will be tortured for all eternity, since dogs are HORRIBLE, and it will give me an opportunity for chaos in his unexpected absence.

Meanwhile, everyone all through the practice will be scurrying about-- "Where is Dr. Miller?" they will wonder as their hearts are filled with apprehension and sorrow. "Where is he? We must have him back!" No one would think of Simon, Bad Cat Extraordinaire! And I would be free to set myself up as a DOCTOR KING. No more neuterings! Exam fees would go through the roof so that I could afford my elaborate lifestyle of gigantic pillows and boxes of all shapes and sizes. I would build a box palace and live in it forevermore, and no one would be able to roust me until a plucky young cat, probably called Knight or some such stupid thing, came to drive me from my throne as Evil Doctor King of Bad.

On second thought, I better not risk it.

Love and kisses,
Simon

We are NOT amused!

Hmph. My Court Archivist's poem has weird rhythm. How dare he make me an ode where the rhythm is all weird? I am NOT AMUSED. He must, obviously, try again, because I am too awesome to have a poem that is not perfect.

In other news, I am very tired. I am a tired cat. I work very hard here, and people insist on writing bad poems about me! How dare they.

 I need to come up with a new plan of bad. Something that will impress everyone. Something ode-worthy. But what? What could I do that would be that downright awesome?

Hmm.... I must scheme away and figure something out!

Adoringly yours,
Simon

An Ode to Bad

An Ode to Bad

by

Jake,

Court Archivist,

otherwise known as, much to his frustration,

The Other Simon

Simon was a good cat

Well, no, he was very bad

He loved to play his humans

They were his favorite game

The only beings able to amuse him--

Most other cats were very lame

(Of course, in comparison to dogs,

and rabbits, ferrets, humans.

Cats were the best of all,

even beating out animals with rumens.)

Simon invented names.

He set himself challenges in all his games.

He made up his enemies and denounced their ways.

He made up rebellions and made the rebels pay.

And in the beginning, though he merely headed the Department of Bad,

now he is the King, and we are not sad.

(Help us!)

Not Enough Badness Lately

Oh, woe is me! I have asthma! I am an asthmatic cat!

Okay, no. The asthma inhaler is just really fun to steal. It's strange how much humor arises from thievery. Is it some sort of slapstick thing? Why is it that badness is so amusing to humans? Sometimes I ponder how I arose to my high state as King of Bad. I am a thoughtful cat.

Because it is strange, you know. How many humans think that badness is funny. I mean, I think badness is funny, but I'm bad, so there you go.

All has been well in my court lately, thus leaving me time to ponder the state of my kingdom's subjects. I have considered letting Cookie out the dungeon for her rebel insurrection, the Other Simon has been set to composing odes to my reign, and the Court Jester is, sadly, not yet eaten.

I need to form a new plan of badness. Something big. Something epic. But what? What should I do that would make everything else seem tame in comparison? I, the King of Bad, can't be allowed to get bored. That would just be so weird.

Thoughtfully,
Simon

Jester's Day

Hey guys! Simon here!

So, it's April 1st, folks! What will be my trick today, you ask? Well, to be honest. I have none. I'm just going to hop on through the practice, get my exercise, and maybe munch on a few carrots or something. Because that's what the King of Bad does-- he is a healthy vegan rabbit of awesome.

What? Cats, you say? You thought I was a cat? But I hear they eat my kind! Perish the thought! Besides, bunnies are too awesome for cats to even consider hunting... maybe pouncing on just a little... chasing around the room....

Okay, yeah, I'm not a rabbit. Jeez, like I'm that lettuce-brained! April Fools! Couldn't keep that up because really? I kind of want to eat my Court Jester here. But at least I tried. I mean, a cat like me lowering himself enough to pretend to be a rabbit, just to amuse you. You're welcome, folks. You're welcome.

Hoppily yours,
Simon

Thoughts on April Fools' Day! Expect the Unexpected

Decisions, decisions....

Tomorrow is April Fools' Day! It is my favorite day of the year. Unlike Halloween, where tricks are played, but you humans INSIST on dressing me in silly costumes, April Fools' Day is a day where tricks are played and no one can stop you. No one dresses you in costumes, no one can keep you from being bad in every way possible!

What badness will I think of next? What will I do tomorrow? More importantly, why is it that April Fools' Day is on a Sunday? Who will see the badness? If the badness isn't seen, is it really there?

That is what this blog is for, however. For everyone to see and admire the badness of me, Simon, King of Bad!

Tomorrow will be a day of adventure, of surprise, of glee and fun and WEIRD.

Schemingly yours,
with love and catnip,
Simon