An Ode to Trimmed Nails

OH MY GAWD THEY CUT MY NAILS WHY.

It's. It's just such a travesty. I work hard for these people. I provide light, and amusement, and joy. I make them smile; I make them groan, and laugh, and sigh. I make these people's lives better.

And they do things like this. They cut my beautiful, sharp nails and make them disappear into the garbage. They take away my livelihood. Who, now will smack Cookie when she's getting arrogant? (Not me, that's who. And not only because my nails were cut-- she's also kind of scary sometimes.)

Why do they do this? Why? What did I do wrong? ;_;

With great trepidation,
and sorrow,
and pain,
and woe,
Simon

X-Mas

Oh X-Mas. Could any holiday be better for an awesome cat of awesome like me?

The morning of that fateful day dawned and three cats raced anxiously to their stockings... only to realize that despite the fact that there were stockings, there was nothing in those stockings.

FOILED!

Well, to be fair, we got stuff ahead of time, but still, a cat can hope that his stocking is full of even more stuff, can't he? Where was Santa Paws and why did he not visit in the night? Was it... because I am a bad cat? SORROW! WOE!

Okay, though, I have to be honest: being the Bad Cat is worth being spurned by Santa Paws.

Besides, the humans make up for it in their adoration of me. As I've mentioned previously, my outstanding work these year caused me-- okay, all of us, but mainly me-- to get this great toy that has holes in it and THINGS in those holes, so we have to poke poke poke to get them out. It's great.

So, yeah, my holidays were pretty incredible, made so by my own hard work and ingenuity. No other cat in the world had a better X-mas.

And if they did, I demand satisfaction! Because mine SHOULD be the best.

Gleefully yours,
Simon

A Truth Universally Acknowledged

It is a truth universally acknowledged that cats have an honest and pure duty to bite, rip, and tear all stuffed animals. Being a Cat of Cats, a Kingly Cat, a Cat of Awesome Badness, I could no more deny my duty in this manner than I could fly. (Note to self-- see if you can fly.)

You must understand, the Pig was asking for it. It was all up in my business, trying to sock me on my gorgeous if-I-do-say-so-myself nose. I therefore had to bite its little piggy snout and squish it, just a little.

Such is my catly duty.

Of course, it is also the nature of the noble cat to forgive and cease biting once the scurrilous creature that offended ye awesome cat apologizes. Therefore, I was eventually able to forgive Piglet and get on with my life.

In the days before Christmas, the cats have managed to con one of the vet techs, Beth, into providing us with stockings. Having stockings, naturally, means that they have to be filled. I, however, through my sneaky cat ways, have managed to hear rumors that Dr. Wood got me a present that was too big for my stocking! I love loot. It's part of my Pirate King of Bad ways.

Sneakily, Piglet-lovingly, hilariously yours,
Simon

Discovery! Simon's Cat.

I have discovered that a fellow cat has been immortalized in my name. Okay, perhaps not in my name but honestly, we all know that every Simon in the world refers in some way to me, don't we? Let's not kid ourselves-- the name Simon can only be referential to my awesomeness, can it not?

Wholeheartedly, I give to you, Simon's Cat. The video below is, in particular, reflective of the season. I feel that Simon's Cat truly reflects the awesome powers of catdom, and our constant struggle to be well fed.



Reminding me, of course, that The Diet has failed spectacularly and you might not be able to discern me from The Other Simon, my dear court archivist, Jake. We appear to have an equal amount of, ah, majesty, shall we say?

A cat is always in need of more majesty.

Yours in rotundness,
Simon

Post-Script

Simon? Simon, it's dark in here. SIMON! Stop making me stay behind the safe, or in the basement, or any of your other dungeons! I won't try to take over your kingdom again, I promise!

This is NOT how I imagined the cookie crumbling!

All Hallow's Eve!

Avast, ye blog readers! Argh! The King of Bad is now a Pirate King! Normally, I would be a little bit hesitant to allow humans to put pirate costumes on me (not that it was precisely fun, crazy humans), but at least they chose something that suited me to a T. Something so incredible, so perfect, so awesome as this. Because let's face it, I'm a pirate cat.

So, let's be honest. Humans are insane. They put costumes on cats, don't feed us enough (ever), yell at us for silly things like ripping up the toilet paper (it's always there, beckoning!), and get confused when we run out the door when all we want to do is escape their crazy. But Halloween is probably the best human thing ever. Cats get to dress up as pirates and humans have the opportunity to dress up as the best being in existence. I am, naturally, speaking of cats.

It's a popular costume, even! Humans have a long-repressed desire to be cats instead, and on Halloween, it's able to come out. I declared it so, and in Crossroads, even managed to convince one of the vet techs to put on cat ears. She obviously realized the genius that is cat.

Okay, okay. Enough ego stroking. What's been going on in the Kingdom of Bad, you ask me, desperate yearning in your eyes!

Stuff! I answer. Secret stuff! Awesome stuff of epic proportions! The plans are being set in motion. It's coming.

From beneath you, it devours!

No, wait. I stole that quotation from someone....

Meh. Mine now!

Yours truly,
Simon, Pirate King of Bad

*plotplotplot*

There is a fact about cats which is little known. That is because we cats are above all of this nonsense about laying things on the table. We prefer laying under tables, and stairs, and chairs-- in all the hidden places of universe so that we can pounce out and destroy your sense of peace.

We cats are awesome.

So, back to the little known fact, because I digress. Or maybe this is relevant. Who says I have to say whether it is or not? But hey, I'm the King of Bad! Put up with it or IN THE STOCKS with you!

Cats are contortionists. We can fit into tiny spaces. It goes along with that whole "hidden places of the universe" thing. And also, that "cute on purpose" thing. What? You already knew about that we're cute on purpose, if you've ever met a cat at all. And if you haven't met a cat, where have you been your whole life? Heathen! Into the stocks!

Okay. I swear I'm done with my power trip.

Okay, no. I'm not. Don't you wonder about the radio silence for the past month? Don't you wonder what happened to Cookie, the Usurper? I've been putting plans into place. Doing Things. Important Things. Awesome Things.

Ah, but let's not discuss work at a time like this. Relax. I know what I'm doing.

This is Simon, contortionist cat, cat of cute, King of Bad,
saying farewell until next time.