Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Felix + Yours Truly = DISASTER


Why is this happening to me?!?! It's so horrible! They keep getting more, other cats! Not as good cats! This is Felix. He sees fit to cuddle me. What kind of self-respecting cat cuddles? ANSWER: NONE. No self-respecting cat. Felix is HORRIBLE. I don't understand cats who aren't properly aloof, as cats should be. It's just so wrong!

Angrily yours,
Simon

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

[Myth] The Great Mother Cat

Long ago, before humans invented time, the universe was empty of all but a race of great mother cats. One in particular is relevant to our history here on Earth. Although she was a mother cat, she had no children and had never had any, which meant that though she was incredibly well-rested, she was also quite bored. In her travels, she found herself looking down on Earth with a frown.

"This world is my bowl of goldfish," she said, "but where are all the goldfish?"

She then decided that she would find the "goldfish" to put on the world to amuse herself with or create what she had to. She was a mother, after all. Creation was what she was good at. Then she took a nap.

Due to her great need for frequent naps, as well as her short attention span, it took the great mother cat forty-nine days and nights to populate the world with her minions. At least, this is the current estimate; the rudimentary humans she populated the world with hadn't gotten much further in their methods of counting than grunting and pointing.

After she was done, the great mother cat yawned and chose a part of the world to settle down in, curling up to sleep. We have not heard from her again. Most scholars believe that she settled down in Egypt and that the Great Sphinx was built around her. A few other scholars believe that she left this world to populate more of the universe, as eventually this "bowl of goldfish" grew too boring for her.

Then there are those who believe she is still among us in this world, hiding among the other cats and laughing at us with a gleam in her eyes.

Almost everycat is certain that wherever she is, when she sleeps, she dreams of us.

Moral: Catnaps are important, but so is waking up to play afterward.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

So Says Simon is TIRED


It's been so warm out, the kind of days where cats just want to laze about and not do anything except exude cute. I don't want to do anything today, but here I am, blogging for you, because I am awesome. I'm thinking about even letting Cookie come back to the keyboard, even after her uprising where she tried to take my position away from me. As if she could ever be the head of bad in THIS veterinary clinic. That job is reserved solely for me, not for any skittish little upstart!

So you may have been able to tell, but I am letting The Other Simon do more. He is now chronicling the myths of cat-kind, to commemorate my reign, as well as writing odes to my awesomeness. I may stop that soon. His poetry is awful; myths are waaay better.

I may just lay here and let others do my work for me. It's too warm and nice out. I'll just relax and sit here....



zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..................

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

[Myth] Afa and the Bird

Once upon a time, cats ruled the world. This was in the time of Egypt, of Assyria, of Phoenicia. It was a time of sand and heat. These were the favored conditions for cats, so they thrived and grew as a species. They were worshiped as gods; Bast, Sekhmet-- only two of the many goddesses associated with cats.

Over the sands of Egypt rose a dynasty of cats. After years of battles with the jackals of the desert, the mighty cats rose as rulers of the land. The first Cat King was actually a Queen, and her name was Afa. As was the custom in the land, Afa was disguised as a king rather than a queen, and lived her life pretending to be a male cat.

One day, Afa was strolling down the banks of the Nile and she came upon a bird. This was a water bird, leggy and long-necked, with a great beak and narrow eyes. It was a savage creature to any unwary fish, but it had been brought low. On the side of that great river, it lay. Afa sat beside it and pondered. She would have loved to have been the one to catch the water bird, but eating it while it lay there seemed like too little of a challenge to her.

"What are you waiting for?" asked water bird. "Do you not plan to eat me?"

"I do," Afa proclaimed, rising to all four feet, "but I will not eat you if you are less than your best."

So for forty-nine days and nights, Afa nursed the water bird back to health in the comfort of her palace. She gave it broth made of fish, bathed its wounds in the softest of silks, and gently kissed its head every night before bed. When the day dawned that the bird could once more take flight, she jumped on its back and ate it all up.

Moral: Cats are capricious, but they never lie.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Bad: The Question of Why

Bad: The Question of Why
by
Jake,
Court Archivist,
otherwise known as, much to his frustration,
The Other Simon

The nature of bad is such that
 a cat can commit it without ever knowing, or necessarily realize what they've done,
as badness is in the nature of the cat.
As nature is natural, and we understand natural to be good,
can badness be bad?
Is badness evil? Is goodness, for a cat, bad?
The paradox of our existence breaks my brain.
Simon is exalted.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Simon Talks About Maru!

I have finally found a cat NEARLY as awesome as me.


This is Maru. Maru likes boxes. Maru understands the need that I have for a palace of boxes. (One day, I will make the humans create a box palace for me. This will be a wonderful day.)

Maru understands many things, like catly dignity and decided nonchalance. He understands our need to get into things. HE IS THE JAPANESE SCOTTISH FOLD VERSION OF ME. He even has his own Wikipedia page, which I hope one day to have. His celebrity is an inspiration to kingly cats everywhere.

With love and awe,
yours truly,
Simon